Are you a blamer?
“A problem between two people never belongs to just one of them.”~ Susan Page in The Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive
It’s so easy for most of us to find the guilty party when we’re upset. We look for the person we’re upset with and, voila, we’ve found who we start blaming for our problem. There are many problems with having this MO, however, and no real benefits (except to our ego which can feel superior for awhile, thinking “At least I’m not a bozo like him/her.”) When we blame our partners for our hurts, anger, frustration, or general unhappiness, however, we give away our power to change the situation AND we create a barrier between ourselves and our partner.
In my case, here’s how a situation could play out. I see a debit card transaction from our grocery store that I don’t yet have a matching receipt for (I keep our personal bank records up to date and saw said transaction while checking balances online).
- The blaming route: I blame Bruce for not giving me the receipt for a grocery store purchase right after he returned from shopping. I then get angry and resentful and often this leaks out sideways when I finally approach him about getting the receipt. My sideways anger makes it easy for him to react and we create an argument. Not fun!
- The personal responsibility route: I choose to remember that we’re CO-creating the relationship, so I simply go to him and honestly and cleanly (i.e., without judgment or blame) say, “Do you have the receipt for the groceries you bought yesterday? It would help me a lot if you could get receipts to me right away since it helps me stay on track with our budget and bill paying. Thanks for doing the shopping. That’s a huge help!” This is easier for him to hear, it doesn’t create a disconnect between us, and no one is made “wrong.” Much more fun than the other way!
Peace,
Shonnie
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Well done Shonnie.
Comment by cjcm — September 20, 2006 @ 10:11 am