Managing time in busy marriages — Is there enough of you to go around?

In his “My Computer Time and My Wife” post, Matt posed this question: How do you manage time for yourself and then others? I smiled reading his specific scenario (He’s on the computer longer than he tells his wife he will be and she gets frustrated.) because it happens in our family too (we each alternate roles, by the way). Even if you don’t have this same issue as Matt and Becky or Bruce and me, my guess is that, being human, you sometimes have similar conflicts with your loved ones.

Matt invited folks to share how they handle such situations, so here are some of the things that work for my husband, Bruce, and me.

Identify, to yourself, what it is that you’re wanting. If we don’t really know what we’re craving we can’t clearly communicate it to our partner.
Before making a request, do an “urgency” check to see how important your desire is to YOU. For instance, is it just something that would be nice to have happen, is it my preference, or is it something that I absolutely must have (Remember to watch out for that part of each of us that wants to control the world.)
When requesting something of your partner, be specific, clear and “requesting” in your delivery (i.e., versus being “demanding” or “commanding.”) Example, “Honey, I’m really tired tonight and I want to have some time to snuggle before I go to sleep. Will you give me 5 minutes of your time right now?”
Listen to your partner’s response. When Bruce is absorbed in whatever he’s doing, I can hear it in his voice (and sense it in his energy). Right away I have some data that lets me know if he really heard me. (If you think you could use a listening skills tune up, or installation for that matter, join us in November for Listening for Love, a free teleclass we’re hosting.)
If you’re not getting the response you want, do one of two things. Option 1 — Understand that it’s not my partner’s responsibility to meet all my needs and be “okay” with life as it is. Let your partner know that you no longer need them to fulfill your request. Option 2 — Identify what you’re doing that may be making it easy for your partner to be unresponsive. For me this often will mean that I’m not asking about Bruce’s needs and simply believing that he “should” do as I wish. Once you know how you’re contributing to the situation, change your approach and see what happens. If option 2 is repeatedly unsuccessful, you might opt for #1 and have a discussion about the situation at a later date and time.

Of course, that’s simply what works in our home. I’d love to hear your ideas as well! FYI, Matt and his wife, Becky, share their lives on their blog and in doing so offer us all the chance to learn about ourselves (Thank you both!).

Filed under: Communication, Marriage, Relationship tips by Shonnie |

1 Comment »

Thanks for the tips Shonnie! I will have to let Becky trot on over here and read it. I enjoyed the tips myself. A couple’s relationship is really important! Thanks for the link also! It looks like we have similar blog themes. Becky loves to write and we love to tell our stories and ideas.

matt

Comment by Matt — September 27, 2006 @ 8:20 pm