Problems with marriage “software”
Here’s a fun video about how people sometimes feel about marriage. Thanks to Matt for posting this video on his site where I first found it. Click the “play” button at the bottom left corner of the image to watch the video (turn on your speakers to hear the audio).
Do you have marriage “software” issues? What would be the main question you have for the marriage help desk staff? Drop us a line via the comments section and we’ll see how we can help.
Are weddings ruining marriages?
My guess is that you’re wondering why I would even ask such a question since you have to have a wedding (or civil ceremony) to have a marriage, right? What I could have asked instead would have been:
Does emphasis on wedding planning distract couples from
preparing for their marriage?
My answer: Yes. (If you have thoughts you’d like to add, please chime in via the comments link at the bottom of the post.)
I pose this question because overemphasis on wedding planning (versus marriage preparation) is one of the reasons I think a recent poll showed that 6 out of 10 women weren’t sure they’d remarry their current husbands if they could “do it over.” (The original post, and all the reasons I cite for marital dissatisfaction are listed here — Unhappily ever after).
Here’s some of the data that I see that points me to my conclusion that we are preoccupied with wedding planning when a focus on getting ready for married life would serve couples in the long run.
Wedding facts & figures
- Average cost (not highest, but average) of today’s American wedding: $27,000
- Wedding reception cost (average): $14,179
- Weddings are a $25.3 billion industry.
- For the past 20 years, 2.25 million to 2.40 million weddings take place each year in the United States, a third of them remarriages.
- Most brides (30 percent) plan their weddings for 7 to 12 months.
- An average of 169 guests attends a wedding.
- Most (about 75 percent) first-time brides will receive a diamond engagement ring (67 percent of repeat brides).
- A third of men’s wedding rings have diamonds.
- A survey we conducted on our site in the fall of 2006 showed that only 1 in 5 couples participated in either pre-marital counseling or marriage preparation classes.
Statistics compiled from a variety of proprietary and published sources, such as the Bridal Association of America, U.S. Census Bureau, Top Wedding Links, The Knot, Market Research.com, etc.
So, while I think it’s fine to want and even plan for a special ceremony and memorable wedding day, a marriage is meant to last long after the champagne and cake have been consumed, the bouquets have dried, and the thank you cards have been sent. But if you spend so much of your time, energy and money throwing a big party without really doing the work to build a solid relationship, you’re more likely to encounter lots of bumps and ruts as you travel the road of marriage. Taking time to discuss critical issues — money, sex, family, work, vision for your shared future — doesn’t guarantee marital bliss, yet from our experience (both personal and working with couples) going into marriage without such open and honest conversations is just setting you up to fail.
So, if you want to have a healthy, happy, long-lasting marriage, start preparing yourselves now. Whether you work through the exercises in I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook, meet with your pastor, or schedule time with a marriage counselor, invest in yourselves and the relationship you’re building. I’m confident that when you prepare for marriage while you’re planning your wedding, you’ll end up having an even better journey leading up to and following after your big day!
Unhappily ever after — when marriage isn’t working
So 6 in 10 women aren’t sure if they would remarry their current husbands if given the chance (So said a recent poll from Woman’s Day/AOL that I wrote about on January 9.). That means that only 4 in 10 women would tie the knot again with the same man. To me that says that 60% of marriages are in sore shape.
Why marriage isn’t working
Now, since I’m the joyfully married coauthor of a book focused on preparing for marriage, I’m bound to have quite a few ideas about why these women are unhappy. Though each woman is an individual and each relationship is unique, here are some of the unhappiness factors that I’m confident are impacting many if not most of these married couples.
- Focus was misplaced on the wedding instead of the marriage
- Couple doesn’t communicate WITH each other honestly and openly
- Wife (and husband too) doesn’t truly know what she (or he) wants
- Emphasis is on what’s NOT working rather than what IS working
- Couple isn’t taking the time to forgive each other
- Relationship takes a back seat to other parts of life
- Wife (or husband or both) is playing not to get hurt
“It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.”
~ Mother Teresa
I’ll expand on these thoughts, and maybe even add other ideas, in upcoming posts. If you have your own hypotheses about why more than half of married women aren’t happy in their marriages, please comment away.
Simple wedding tips on a TV near you
Would you like some free tips on preparing for marriage? Would you like to see how one couple created a wedding that totally reflected their values and interests? Would you like to spend thirty minutes discovering how to simplify your wedding?
Marriage experts make our national television debut
If you’re looking for free, inspirational, and practical ideas for your wedding, be sure to watch the Simple Weddings episode of Simple Living with Wanda Urbanska. It’s a PBS show televised in most markets nationwide. It is due to air sometime between January 15 and January 22. To find out when it airs in your town, click here.
Here are some of the wedding resources you’ll find on the show:
- Be inspired by the wedding of Eddie McGee and Anna Nixon. This couple involved friends and family in creating their wedding ceremony. Their vehicles of choice after the reception were their bicycles.
- Marriage experts, none other than yours truly, Shonnie Lavender and Bruce Mulkey, share insights on how to write your own wedding vows and plan for a successful marriage right from the start.
- Get tips from wedding experts on creating a ceremony that is green, meaningful, and even low cost.
Please pass the word along to any friends who are engaged and looking for ideas on creating a meaningful, unique, and magical wedding. Feel free to stop by our blog after the show and let us know what you thought.
Married women unhappy with hubby
Nearly 4 in 10 American women say they would not remarry their husbands? Another 2 women (from that same group of 10) aren’t sure whether they’d say “I do” again or not.
Before I launch into a post about what I think this poll says about the lack of quality of married life in these modern times, let us know what you think.
Read the poll results from Woman’s Day/AOL, then come leave your two cents.
Become a magnet for love
“The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love, and express their love in every action. They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe.”
~ Deepak Chopra
By now, most of you know about the movie, The Secret, which explains the Law of Attraction, and shows you how to begin using this tremendous power in your life. If
you’re excited about becoming a magnet for all that you truly desire — wealth, health, happiness, success, love — 2007 is a great year to put your intention to work with your attention.
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“We do not fall in love, we grow in love and love grows in us.”
~ Dr. Karl Menninger
