Are weddings ruining marriages?
My guess is that you’re wondering why I would even ask such a question since you have to have a wedding (or civil ceremony) to have a marriage, right? What I could have asked instead would have been:
Does emphasis on wedding planning distract couples from
preparing for their marriage?
My answer: Yes. (If you have thoughts you’d like to add, please chime in via the comments link at the bottom of the post.)
I pose this question because overemphasis on wedding planning (versus marriage preparation) is one of the reasons I think a recent poll showed that 6 out of 10 women weren’t sure they’d remarry their current husbands if they could “do it over.” (The original post, and all the reasons I cite for marital dissatisfaction are listed here — Unhappily ever after).
Here’s some of the data that I see that points me to my conclusion that we are preoccupied with wedding planning when a focus on getting ready for married life would serve couples in the long run.
Wedding facts & figures
- Average cost (not highest, but average) of today’s American wedding: $27,000
- Wedding reception cost (average): $14,179
- Weddings are a $25.3 billion industry.
- For the past 20 years, 2.25 million to 2.40 million weddings take place each year in the United States, a third of them remarriages.
- Most brides (30 percent) plan their weddings for 7 to 12 months.
- An average of 169 guests attends a wedding.
- Most (about 75 percent) first-time brides will receive a diamond engagement ring (67 percent of repeat brides).
- A third of men’s wedding rings have diamonds.
- A survey we conducted on our site in the fall of 2006 showed that only 1 in 5 couples participated in either pre-marital counseling or marriage preparation classes.
Statistics compiled from a variety of proprietary and published sources, such as the Bridal Association of America, U.S. Census Bureau, Top Wedding Links, The Knot, Market Research.com, etc.
So, while I think it’s fine to want and even plan for a special ceremony and memorable wedding day, a marriage is meant to last long after the champagne and cake have been consumed, the bouquets have dried, and the thank you cards have been sent. But if you spend so much of your time, energy and money throwing a big party without really doing the work to build a solid relationship, you’re more likely to encounter lots of bumps and ruts as you travel the road of marriage. Taking time to discuss critical issues — money, sex, family, work, vision for your shared future — doesn’t guarantee marital bliss, yet from our experience (both personal and working with couples) going into marriage without such open and honest conversations is just setting you up to fail.
So, if you want to have a healthy, happy, long-lasting marriage, start preparing yourselves now. Whether you work through the exercises in I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook, meet with your pastor, or schedule time with a marriage counselor, invest in yourselves and the relationship you’re building. I’m confident that when you prepare for marriage while you’re planning your wedding, you’ll end up having an even better journey leading up to and following after your big day!
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In my experience as a wedding photographer I noticed that the happiest couples , before , during and after the wedding where those who used a wedding planner to take the responsibility for coordinating the details.
Comment by Mr Law of Attraction — November 6, 2007 @ 12:10 am
Thanks for sharing your experience Mr. LOA. My add on to your comment is that these people are likely happy about their wedding day/experience. This is fantastic, though it’s not a predictor of happiness with their marriage. That’s the main distinction I want to make — a good/bad wedding does not a good/bad marriage make.
Comment by Shonnie — November 6, 2007 @ 10:31 am