Helping love flourish in couples of all kinds
Since it is impossible to keep good love down, more, not fewer variations of love and family arrangement will thrive.
Amen to that I say. Love cannot be constrained by any prescription of the “right” way. How do I know? I’ve learned it through my life experience.
- I was born to a teenage mother who, through love, was willing to give me to another family who possibly (and hopefully) could give me a “better life.”
- I was adopted by two amazing people whose love molded us into one family that was as strong as any bound by blood ties.
- I was welcomed with loving, open hearts into a new family when my mom remarried after my parent’s divorce.
- I was loved faithfully by a woman who transitioned from her role as my dad’s girlfriend into his wife.
- I was lovingly re-welcomed by the courageous woman who gave me up at birth and her entire family.
- I was received with love by the family of the man who is now my husband, despite our 28 year age difference.
Love is a power that no strictures can diminish and no rules can define. I am grateful that this is true, not only for love’s impact on my life, but for the opportunity we each have to let love be our guiding light.
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~ Rumi
One of Bruce and my highest intentions is to help create a world of greater love, compassion, and connection, and we wrote I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook out of this calling. The book is offered as a tool to support any and all couples who love one another to stay in love with one another, whether they are of different or same sex, foreign or shared cultural heritage, dissimilar or similar age, distinct or common religious beliefs. We believe that by offering our gifts in this way, we will nurture the spirit of love and help it flourish in diverse and beautiful families across the globe.
Sweet forgiveness — the power tool for healthy marriages
If you don’t regularly take time to fully forgive your husband or wife, your marriage won’t last.
While this may sound like an exaggeration, it’s not. Resentment–which is what happens when we don’t forgive our partner–is a terminal disease in relationships. When you resent your spouse, you’re dissolving the bond of love between you and you’re making yourself into the victim. Over time you’ll find that even “petty” issues inflame your anger and when this happens the end isn’t far from sight . . . unless you take radical action–Offer your mate your full forgiveness.
Let go of how you think he/she “should have” behaved. Stop judging her/him for something done in the past. Refuse to repeatedly rehash an old hurt. Don’t gripe about some former action that can’t now be undone.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
~ Mother Teresa
Want some help in exercising your forgiveness muscles?
We have a handout that we use with couples practicing forgiveness. Please feel free to download the Practicing Forgiveness Handout and use it in your relationships. If you have any questions about the process, please use the Comments section at the bottom of the post to send it to us. We’ll answer back as soon as possible.
Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past.
~ Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.
This post is #6 in the series exploring the reasons why couples are unhappy in marriage and, most importantly, how you can make the shift to a happier more satisfying relationship. Read posts 1-Unhappily ever after, 2-Are weddings ruining marriages?, 3-Healthy conversation tips for couples, 4-Required information on the road to a happy, fulfilling life, and 5-Problem-proof your marriage with one simple change.
Need a relationship tune up? Check our resources section
There are times for all couples when love and romance seems to teeter on a precipice or feels like we’re wandering in a deep and dark canyon. If you’re suffering from love lethargy, isn’t it time to make a change that will have you back on solid relationship ground? Check out the numerous books, websites, and couples workshops listed in our Resources section.
Whether you find something new to read or a online tool to try out, my advice is to approach your learning with an attitude of curiosity and lightness rather than treating your relationship as a broken down car in dire need of repair. When you see this as an opportunity to make you good relationship great, you’ll likely enjoy the process more, and find the end results much more satisfying.
Take the attitude of a student, never be too big to ask questions, never know too much to learn something new.
~ Og Mandino
If you have resources that have helped you to have a phenomenal love life, sustain a happy marriage, or weather the down times as a couple, please drop us a comment and let us know what the resource is and where we can find it. Let’s share the wisdom that’s out there with each other.
Problem-proof your marriage with one simple change
One reason that so many married couples struggle in their relationships is because they focus on their problems. If you and your partner put most of your attention on what’s NOT working, that’s what you’ll create in your marriage. Problems. People don’t like to believe this is true but it is.
Think about it. When you’re fixated on a problem, do you feel good or bad? If you’re like everyone I’ve ever talked to about this idea, you feel bad because the problem is your universe, the whole enchilada. Your marriage is the same way. If you (or your partner, or both of you), keep seeing what’s NOT working, that becomes your universe–a marriage that is NOT working (even though parts of it might be working wonderfully).
On the other hand, when you look around your life thinking, “Wow, my job is great. I have a great relationship. I’m healthy. I just bought a book that’s supposed to be wonderful. I love what I have for lunch today.” you’re going to feel good because your focus is on what IS working. If what’s “right” is where you focus your attention in your marriage, that’s what you’ll create more of–what IS working. So there’s your simple change–shift your focus.
Now, don’t read into my writing anything that says to ignore marital problems or to go to that river in Egypt (you know, ‘De-Nile’) about issues that are wearing and tearing at the fabric of your partnership. I don’t advocate ignorance or denial. If something isn’t working for the two of you–put your hearts and heads together to handle it. Identify what it is you DO want and then take steps to create that new reality for yourselves. While you’re changing that part of your relationship, put your focus on all else that’s good, loving, easy, satisfying, fulfilling, and wonderful about what you already have.
Bottom line: If you focus on what is NOT working about your marriage, you’ll create a marriage that doesn’t work. When you choose to look for, acknowledge, and emphasize what IS working, however, your marriage will become one that works very, very well. (Bruce and my marriage is living proof that when you focus on what’s great, something great is what you create.)
This post is #5 in the series exploring the reasons why couples are unhappy in marriage and, most importantly, how you can make the shift to a happier more satisfying relationship. Read posts 1-Unhappily ever after, 2-Are weddings ruining marriages?, 3-Healthy conversation tips for couples, and 4-Required information on the road to a happy, fulfilling life.
