In a good marriage, hurt is part of the game
A dear friend of ours who has worked for over twenty-five years as a licensed counseling psychologist once compared relationships to sports (football to be exact). He said that when you play full out (in marriage or in sports) you WILL get hurt–it’s simply part of the game. Then you rest, recuperate, and tend to your wound–be it an aching heart or a strained muscle–and soon you’re back in the game, giving it your all.
Hurt so good
When we get hurt, we have the opportunity to learn and grow. What happened that didn’t work? What area of weakness could we strengthen? Where could we use more practice as a couple? Our hurts help as to further develop ourselves as individuals and as a couple. Though temporarily painful, the hurts often make it easier for us to play with more passion, agility, grace, and ease once we’ve healed.
Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.
~ Zen Buddhist saying
Don’t avoid risks
On the other hand, some couples work really hard to avoid any hurt. They walk on eggshells, don’t tell the truth, and withhold some part of themselves hoping to save themselves from pain. But, as the saying goes, “pain is inevitable,” so attempting to avoid it serves only to keep your connection at a superficial level where the risk–and the rewards–are low. It might work fine on a temporary basis, but if you’re intention is to form a life-long bond with your spouse, you have to be willing to risk a deeper level of intimacy and vulnerability.
So, play the game at 100%. Know that you will sometimes get hurt and will sometimes inflict pain. When you or your spouse are hurt, talk about what happened; shower each other with copious quantities of love, compassion, and (if needed) forgiveness; allow time for healing; then get back in the game with all you’ve got. Remember, you’re playing for a “win-win” where everything is better because you went full out.
(Note: In no way am I endorsing any kind of violence–verbal or physical–in relationships. The “hurts” to which I refer are the aches and pains of everyday life.)
This is the final post in the series exploring the reasons why couples are unhappy in marriage and, most importantly, how you can create a happier more satisfying relationship. Read posts 1-Unhappily ever after, 2-Are weddings ruining marriages?, 3-Healthy conversation tips for couples, 4-Required information on the road to a happy, fulfilling life, 5-Problem-proof your marriage with one simple change, 6-Sweet forgiveness — the power tool for healthy marriages, and 7-Two keys to make your love flourish.
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