Verbal communication — It’s what you say and how you say it
“The newest computer can merely compound, at speed, the oldest problem in the relations between human beings, and in the end the communicator will be confronted with the old problem, of what to say and how to say it.”~ Edward R. Murrow
One of the greatest challenges all couples face centers around communication, because nearly every interaction involves communication of one sort or another. As one of my college professors in speech communication used to say, “you cannot not communicate.” So if we’re always communicating–verbally and non-verbally, intentionally and unintentionally–it’s important to be mindful of how our communication is being received. Let’s start by considering the messages you send verbally, through your words, tone of voice, and other qualities of speech.
Evaluate your verbal communication
While words only account for approximately 7% of the meaning people ascribe to your communication, tone of voice accounts for 38% of the meaning. So, it’s obvious that to be a successful communicator, you need to be aware of your verbal cues and clues (e.g., everything from words to sighs, moans, grunts).
- Inflection refers to ups and downs in talking. Inflection helps you signal to your partner what’s important and may even indicate your emotional state (especially combined with volume and pitch).
- Volume indicates the degree of loudness to your voice. Again, volume can indicate your energetic involvement with a topic and gives your spouse clues about your temperament and mood.
- Pacing deals with your rate of speech or the speed of your talking. Matching your rate of speech and your intensity to that of your partner creates rapport and connection.
- Word choice of course means what words you use to convey your message. Though words may have specific definitions, our lifetime of experience with a word means that our meaning for the word and someone else’s meaning might be quite different.
- Silence refers to those gaps in our conversations. (Though silence is “non-verbal” it’s the absence of verbal communication, that’s why I’ve included it in this list.) Allow room for your partner to absorb what you’ve said and give yourself the space to take in what he/she is communicating to you.
As you engage in the next conversation with you partner, bring these aspects of verbal communication into your awareness. Are your choices enhancing communication or bringing about a disconnection? See what subtle changes you can make to connect with your partner and communicate in a productive, honoring, and meaningful way.
“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”
~ Rollo May
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I think there are also big differences in the ‘way’ men and women communicate, frequently leading to misunderstanding and possibly conflict between the sexes.
Men are heavily driven by logic and require ‘content’ in order to undertsand and communicate effectively. Thus a male to male exchange tends to be very direct and contains detailed information such as facts, figures, names, places and times. There is rarely any empathy or emotion involved in a male to male conversation thus from a female perspective it can appear ‘cold’.
Conversely with women the conversation tends to be based upon empathy and emotion with facts and figures being a secondary consideration. Such conversations in the minds of men could seem pointless in terms of logic, information exchange or problem solving.
So when a man and a woman try to communicate with each other… you can imagine what may happen…
Comment by www.find-mr-right.co.uk — June 20, 2008 @ 1:11 pm