What love thrives in your relationship?
C.S. Lewis wrote about four unique types of love we experience. Storge which is described as affection between family members; Philia, the love between friends; Eros, the sexual love shared by intimate partners; and Agape, or unconditional love. Though there are other ways to talk about love, I think simply looking at these four variations of the human emotion can be really useful for couples.
Love changes throughout our relationships
One of the challenges couples face is our shifting experience of love for our partner. The images most often seen of “happy couples” are those of passion and sexual connection. For many of us, this sexual attraction and desire predominate in the early phases of our relationship. If this blissful sensuality fades, many couples start to fear that their love is waning and perhaps even that the relationship isn’t the “right one.” I think, however, that an alternative way of looking at such a change is to see it as the opportunity for another form of love to take center stage. Perhaps a couple at this stage is searching for affection and familiarity rather than passion and pleasure. Or it could be a chance to express love through a deepening friendship. Maybe it’s a call to offer unconditional support and “for”ness for one’s partner, championing their best in whatever is most important to them.
For fun, take some time to look at your current relationship and identify the form of love that’s most prevalent as well as the form you’re experiencing least. What, if anything, would you like to change about your love and the kind of connection you’re creating with your beloved?
“Love must be as much a light as it is a flame.”
~ Henry David Thoreau
Being present adds to the love in your relationship
“It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis.”~Margaret Bonnano
Recently Bruce and I have been very busy with things to do, places to be, deadlines to meet, goals to accomplish. Many of these activities have also meant time apart. I think that most of you know this experience in your relationships–so many calls for our time and attention and only 24 hours a day to give. So what’s a modern couple to do? How do we find time for the important things to do without sacrificing our relationship (or our other irreplaceable treasures like health, self and other significant relationships with family and friends)?
I was reminded of one possible answer when reading the newsletter of Randy Siegel, our good friend and communication expert. He described two types of people. First was one who, “When you’re with him, he makes you feel like talking to you is the single, most important thing in the world. You feel seen, heard, understood, and, yes, loved.” With the other person Randy described, you’re experience is more like this: “You’re talking, and they’re looking around, have that glazed look on their face, or nodding their heads impatiently waiting for you to pause so they can interject a point.”
Being present is essential to maintaining your connection
To strengthen your connection with your spouse, practice being fully present when you’re with each other. Broadly, “being present” means to be undistracted, focused on your partner, being attentive to and aware of only that which is occurring in that given moment. Below are some suggestions on how you can bring greater presence into your relationship.
- Intend to be present. You increase the likelihood of being present simply by committing yourself to be 100% attentive to the here and now.
- Take your time. While we can be present at high speed, slowing down often helps us fully absorb all that happens in a moment of time.
- Use all your senses. Like slowing down, tuning in with our ears, eyes, nose, heart, mind, and intuition help us pick up on the richness of now.
- Minimize distractions. Even with our best intentions, ringing phones, chiming PDAs, buzzing doorbells, and other interruptions can pull us out of our present connection. Eliminate anything that’s likely to snatch you away from your focus on your partner and your relationship.
- Build “being present” time into your routine. We do this through our gratitude ritual at the evening meal where we focus solely on holding hands, sharing our gratitude, and listening attentively as our partner shares (We do this before meals with friends as well.). Presence is as valuable in the everyday setting as it is at a romantic dinner or special getaway, so practice it regularly.
Do you have other ideas on how to be present with your partner? We’d be delighted to hear your suggestions and learn about the practices you and your beloved use to stay intimately connected amid the hustle and bustle of daily life.
“If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you’re going to be cockeyed today.”
~Author Unknown
Give in or give up — one will radically improve your relationship
“It is important to know the difference between giving in and giving up.”~ Brad Brown, co-founder of The More to Life Program
In our partnerships, be they romantic or platonic in nature, we are in a dance. There is give and take as we negotiate the steps of effective relationship. Many of us learned to relate in an adversarial way where someone wins and someone loses. If you’re like me, you might have even perfected the art of giving up simply to avoid the conflict that seemed to erupt when a disagreement occurred between two strong-willed people. Or you may be afraid to “give in” believing that it’s a sign of weakness or lack of conviction. But like the quote reminds us, there is a difference between “giving in” and “giving up.” Living that difference can transform your relationships.
Giving in versus giving up
- Giving in creates space between you and another person; it’s an opening to step into. Giving up creates a void where you’ve disappeared; negative feelings occupy the void.
- Giving in brings you closer to your partner. Giving up is the same as running away.
- Giving in is admitting that you aren’t the sole authority. Giving up is abdicating your personal power.
- Giving in is equivalent to saying, “You’re important to me. Let’s find a way to connect/work together.” Giving up is equivalent to saying, “F— you. I don’t care about our relationship.”
- Giving in is moving toward your partner and seeking to reconnect. Giving up is pushing back and distancing yourself.
How to give in in your relationship
My guess is that many of you reading may be thinking, “Okay, this makes sense, but I don’t know what ‘giving in’ would look like or how to do it.” So here are a few ways you can practice giving in.
- When you’re in a disagreement, giving in can mean not getting in the last word, refusing to continue trying to “win,” or simply, and honestly, saying, “You’re right.”
- When you are personally feeling stuck, upset, scared, frustrated, angry, giving in can be telling the simple truth about how you are feeling and what’s going on for you. Giving in can also mean saying, “Help. I really need ‘x’ from you right now.”
- Switch from your habitual ways of being in your relationship. If you tend to take the lead, choose instead to step back and let your partner play that role. If you generally are the task master, put away the “to do” list and instead seek to be spontaneous and playful.
While giving in may seem radical or odd at first, as you practice, I think you’ll find that it’s one of the best ways to make a positive impact on your relationship. I’d be delighted to hear about your experiences with this experiment.
Surviving, and thriving, through dips in a relationship
I recently wrote about how many of our visions of marriage are tainted by the often obscene promise of fairy tale romances or the numbing, heart-hardening lies we’re told about failed relationships (Love lives between fairy tales and apathy). Today, I found some related and extremely valuable thoughts on a fantastic relationship and intimacy blog, Making Love Sustainable, by Wendy Strgar. She writes about a new book by Seth Godin called The Dip, which refers to “the hard place where days can go by before any satisfying results come in.” I encourage you to read Wendy’s entire post. In the meantime, here’s a brief excerpt:
“The Dip though points to a bigger and more rampant problem–the willingness to quit on the hard stuff because we believe ourselves to be mediocre or not up to it. We are afraid to feel the strain, so we quit–and most easily on relationships that are challenging. The problem with this kind of quitting which can become serial. . .as soon as the relationship demands more that we think we have, we bail. That place becomes so familiar, it is the jumping off spot, time after time. The real shame is that often the breakthrough place, where things start to work in a new way is just past that jump.”
What really struck me in this quote is the statement, “we believe ourselves to be mediocre or not up to it.” I think that kind of self-doubt and belief that neither partner is capable of navigating challenging waters is one of the biggest barriers to long-term happiness. If you hit a bump and your mind automatically assaults you with “you’re not smart enough to get through this,” or, “he doesn’t have what it takes to weather this kind of storm,” or, “this relationship isn’t strong enough to last,” you’ll likely not even be inspired to attempt to work through the challenge.
So, if you want to be able to make it through dips in your relationship, start building your confidence in yourself and your partner. Start strengthening your beliefs about the dedication, tenacity, capability you and your partner both possess. Work the muscles of belief and lose those flabby, flat-out-false thoughts that get you nowhere good, replacing them with toned, truths that will become the foundation for a strong, sustainable, and deeply satisfying relationship, whether you’re in a dip or on top of the world.
Love lives between fairy tales and apathy
Recently at the party given in honor of my Grandpa’s 90th birthday, my new cousin-in-law, Scott, shared with us an idea for a relationship book. He envisioned stories from couples who’ve been in relationship for awhile — say 10 or more years –and are happy with their partnership (be it marriage or other commitment). As a newly married man, he believed such couples could provide valuable advice to burgeoning relationships and also could show that happy partnerships are possible, since that’s often not the prevailing story of our culture.
It does seem that many people today hold views at the far end of the spectrum. Either that relationships are pure bliss — like those childhood fantasies of Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming — or that all relationships are doomed to end in divorce or merely to subsist in the haze of obligation and less-than-content cohabitation. What I’ve found in the 10 years since Bruce and I first became a couple is that love resides comfortably in the middle territory between these two extremes. While there are many times that I feel like a princess and am as giddy as a teenager in love, sustaining these euphoric feelings takes a commitment from me (and from Bruce, too).
I choose not to think of relationships as requiring “work,” however I do believe that staying in love requires a willingness to let go of anything that threatens to keep us feeling unloving toward our partner. Here are some of the things I endeavor to avoid in my quest to nurture a loving, happy, and mutually-satisfying marriage.
- Negativity about relationships — whether it’s people bitching about their ex or talk shows ranting about some woeful couples. I want my relationship to thrive, so I’m careful about the kind of environment to which I expose myself and the relationship.
- Resentment and retaliation. When I notice that I’m holding a grudge against Bruce, I either get over it or talk with him about it so the air will be clear again. Having any kind of ill will between us does nothing but weaken the love that bonds us together.
- Mistrust. I’ve committed to sharing my life with Bruce. If I find that I’m not trusting him, it’s time for a heart-to-heart conversation so I can come back to a place of mutual respect.
- Low self-esteem. If I’m not believing in myself or am thinking that I’m in any way unworthy, unloveable, incomplete, or inadequate, I become extremely needy and depend on Bruce to “make me okay.” In this state, I’m completely vulnerable to any slight I perceive and he’s likely to end up being the “bad guy” at some point through little or no fault of his own.
Sure, there are more things that can drive a wedge between a couple, yet these are ones that, when avoided, help me stay in a state of happiness. So, while I don’t believe that having fairy tale delusions is in our best interest, being apathetic about our potential for bliss doesn’t serve us either.
Resolve to create a better marriage in 2008
Most people I know make New Year’s Resolutions an individual thing. If you want your marriage to be better, however, it’s best if you both resolve to make changes instead of making this a solo act. That doesn’t mean you both have to make the same resolutions. It simply means that you’re both committing to doing your part for the health of your marriage. Based on my experience, here are suggestions about two areas to consider for improvement — changes in these areas can profoundly alter your relationship for the better.
Past = resentment and grudges. 2008 = forgiveness and growth. Resolve to forgive each other for those hurtful things that we all sometimes do in our relationships. Let go of hurt feelings, talk about the pain, offer and accept apologies, then choose a new path forward.
Past = busyness and lots of “priorities.” 2008 = slowing down and reserving time for the relationship. Resolve to hold your marriage as sacred and give it the time and attention that it needs to thrive. Instead of waiting for special moments to say “I love you” or to give a gift, do things to show that any moment is a special moment in your relationship.
“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.”
~ Wayne Dyer
May 2008 be a truly magical year for you and your beloved. May all that did not serve you in the past be gently left behind. May those dreams which you deferred now blossom and grow in the light of a new year. May you find more joy, love, and peace in the journey to come than that which you already have known. Happy New Year!
Gratitude strengthens our relationships
Gratitude is something Bruce and I consciously bring into our lives on a daily basis. At the evening meal we each express gratitude for one or more things that happened or simply were during the day. It might be something “small” or “big” for which we’re grateful. We might give thanks for something that is “positive,” or we may even notice gratitude for something we perceived as “negative.” Some days our words of thanks flow easily from hearts filled to the brim with appreciation. Other days we might really have to think about what we actually feel grateful for. Regardless of how easy or hard it is for us to identify that for which we are thankful, we have maintained this practice for over 5 years. I believe that gratitude has made our relationship even stronger than it would be without this thankfulness ritual.
How gratitude enhances our relationship (and can enhance yours too)
- Gratitude infuses a relationship with positive energy. When we feel grateful for our lives, we tend to be more loving, thoughtful, compassionate, and supportive. Gratitude is a spark that lights many other warm and soothing fires.
- Gratitude makes the “bad” times less troubling. Even when we do hit rough patches in our relationship, our commitment to find things for which we are thankful helps to pull us out of the blues.
- Gratitude helps our love grow deeper. Along with our practice of giving thanks each evening, we verbally acknowledge each other (and then ourselves personally). Though we do have grievances with one another, our focus on what is working and what we’re truly grateful for helps strengthen our connection.
- Gratitude becomes a positive foundation for the rest of our lives. Since we focus our relationship on gratitude and what’s already working, we tend to carry that same outlook with us into our work, our play, and our other important relationships. Having a gratitude practice as a couple means that we both have the practice as individuals.
- Gratitude helps us keep the peace. It’s easy to get caught up in the ravenous energy of modern American culture and find ourselves yearning for more and better things. By noticing that which we are already so blessed to have, our cravings subside and we realize how happy, satisfied, and fulfilled we already are.
I would be grateful to know about your experience with gratitude, especially in the context of relationship. How has it changed your connection with your partner? With yourself? What roadblocks to gratitude do you find? What most profoundly evokes your gratitude? Please use the “comments” area to share or trackback to this post from your site.
Gratitude Quotes
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion to clarity. . . . Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
~ Melody Beattie
“There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other as though everything is a miracle.”
~ Albert Einstein
“We can spend a whole lifetime enjoying various benefits and not appreciate their value until we are deprived of them. How many lovers boldly contemplate separation, fondly imagining that they have had enough of the beloved. And yet as soon as they actually experience separation, they burn up with longing.”
~ Jami
“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.”
~ Mary Jean Iron
Verbal communication — It’s what you say and how you say it
“The newest computer can merely compound, at speed, the oldest problem in the relations between human beings, and in the end the communicator will be confronted with the old problem, of what to say and how to say it.”~ Edward R. Murrow
One of the greatest challenges all couples face centers around communication, because nearly every interaction involves communication of one sort or another. As one of my college professors in speech communication used to say, “you cannot not communicate.” So if we’re always communicating–verbally and non-verbally, intentionally and unintentionally–it’s important to be mindful of how our communication is being received. Let’s start by considering the messages you send verbally, through your words, tone of voice, and other qualities of speech.
Evaluate your verbal communication
While words only account for approximately 7% of the meaning people ascribe to your communication, tone of voice accounts for 38% of the meaning. So, it’s obvious that to be a successful communicator, you need to be aware of your verbal cues and clues (e.g., everything from words to sighs, moans, grunts).
- Inflection refers to ups and downs in talking. Inflection helps you signal to your partner what’s important and may even indicate your emotional state (especially combined with volume and pitch).
- Volume indicates the degree of loudness to your voice. Again, volume can indicate your energetic involvement with a topic and gives your spouse clues about your temperament and mood.
- Pacing deals with your rate of speech or the speed of your talking. Matching your rate of speech and your intensity to that of your partner creates rapport and connection.
- Word choice of course means what words you use to convey your message. Though words may have specific definitions, our lifetime of experience with a word means that our meaning for the word and someone else’s meaning might be quite different.
- Silence refers to those gaps in our conversations. (Though silence is “non-verbal” it’s the absence of verbal communication, that’s why I’ve included it in this list.) Allow room for your partner to absorb what you’ve said and give yourself the space to take in what he/she is communicating to you.
As you engage in the next conversation with you partner, bring these aspects of verbal communication into your awareness. Are your choices enhancing communication or bringing about a disconnection? See what subtle changes you can make to connect with your partner and communicate in a productive, honoring, and meaningful way.
“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”
~ Rollo May
Essential skills for a fantastic, long-lasting relationship (part 1)
What qualities do you need to possess to be capable of creating and maintaining a great romantic relationship? While I don’t think that relationships can be boiled down to a formula (whether it’s the “right” or “wrong” mix), I do believe that there are qualities and skills that are highly useful in the pursuit of a wonderful partnership. Below are eight of the most critical attributes from my (Shonnie’s) perspective. Bruce will be writing on this same question in another post.
- Communication – though there are many details included in this one word, generally I would emphasize the importance of being able to listen openly and fully, speak clearly, honestly, and compassionately, and read other non-verbal communication accurately
- Unequivocal support – by this I mean being 100% for the good of your partner, wanting and supporting their success, growth, achievement, and highest good every step of the way even when it seems to be at cross-purposes with your own desires
- Self-awareness and self-love — to be an excellent partner to another person, we must first be an excellent partner to ourselves; taking care of your own needs (spiritual, emotional, physical, mental) and being the best human being you know how to be
- Forgiveness – no matter the depth of our love for our partner, we will sometimes be angry, hurt, or resentful about something they did/did not do; being able and willing to readily and regularly offer your forgiveness is essential to long-term happiness and stability of the relationship
- Loving truthfulness — honesty is one of the foundations of a strong relationship, yet so is the ability to be truthful in a loving, compassionate, and helpful way
- Equality – sharing in an equitable way all that happens in your relationship (blessings, challenges, responsibility, praise); being partners that co-create your lives together, offering your gifts, perspective, and experience and making room for your mate to offer his/her own contributions
- Intentioned flexibility — time and circumstances will change us so it’s important to be flexible enough to adapt or evolve; it’s essential, however, to know what you won’t change (values, commitments) or give up regardless of the paths you travel together
- Commitment – especially in today’s world of multiple priorities and responsibilities, it’s easy for a relationship to get moved to the back burner (or off the stove completely); keeping your relationship a priority in your life requires a commitment of yourself in time, energy/spirit, and heart
What makes marriage work?
Before you invest in I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook, we want you to have a sense of whether it’s the right book for you. One way to do so is to determine if the philosophy, values and beliefs expressed in the book are aligned with your vision for yourselves and your lives together.
Our thoughts on creating a happy marriage
- Marriage is a partnership created by two people who love and want the best for one another.
- A wedding (or commitment ceremony) is the official beginning of a marriage, but a marriage is a lifelong journey that you have committed to take together.
- Powerful, meaningful vows provide a solid foundation on which to build your marriage, and by upholding these commitments you’ll be better able to handle the bumps when they come.
- Having a shared vision–how you will relate to each other, what values you live, your desired future destination–is essential. If you’re on divergent paths, it’s difficult to journey together.
- Love is essential to a wonderful marriage. So are respect, forgiveness, compassion, honesty, cooperation, clarity, purposefulness, and “for-ness” (being fully committed to the other person and supporting their growth).
- It’s imperative that you develop, practice, and hone your communication skills (listening as well as speaking). You’ll use them every day, and they affect every part of your relationship.
- Even the best relationships have ups and downs. How you choose to handle the bumps in the road as you journey together is of prime importance.
- No one has all the answers to marriage/relationship questions. However, seeking out the company of those who practice love, respect, and intimacy in their relationships will support you as much as expert advice.
- Openness to learning, growth, and change will serve you well in marriage, because time and experience will alter who you are and maybe even your vision for your journey together.
Learn more about our relationship philosophy and the Marriage Vow Workbook by listening to a recent interview (16 minutes) we gave to Dave Debs from The Coach Corner. You have to create a free account to access this recording, yet the process is very simple and quick to complete.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
~ Mignon McLaughlin
