Who takes responsibility in your relationship?
I think that a healthy relationship is one in which, when their is “poop” to clean up, both partners pitch in. Though we don’t generally like to look at the messy parts of our marriages, they are a great window into our relationship health.
For many of us, it’s easy to place blame when things aren’t rosy. We live in a culture (definitely in the US at least), where blaming is becoming an instinct in relationships large and small. One of the main problems with blaming, however, is that it improves nothing. It might soothe your ego for a short while to think that your hubby or your wife has done you wrong, but once that high is gone, you’re likely to feel quite blue.
As long as you can find someone else to blame for anything you are doing, you cannot be held accountable or responsible for your growth or the lack of it.
~ Sun Bear
So, if you want to feel better AND resolve your problems, stop blaming and start taking responsibility for what’s being created in your life. Note to all martyrs: Taking responsibility does NOT mean saying “It’s all my fault” and condemning yourself as the guilty party. That never works either. Taking responsibility means owning your part/role in what happened, taking action to rectify the situation, and giving your partner the space to do the same.
As you move away from the “gotcha” blame game, you’re likely to find that not only are messes more quickly cleaned up, but that they even stop getting created in the first place.
Two keys to make your love flourish
Problem: 60% of women aren’t sure if they would remarry their current husbands if given the chance (according to a poll from Woman’s Day/AOL).Solution: Invest yourself in creating a marriage that you would want to have if given the chance for a “do over.”
If YOUR marriage is in this 60%, there are two useful remedies–
time and loving attention.
Time Together
When I say “time” I literally mean minutes, hours, days spent being with your spouse. For many couples today, time simply being together is rare. “Being” together is not running errands together, or going to your kids soccer games together. It’s just the two of you, undistracted by other responsibilities, sharing time in conversation, lovemaking, dreaming, reconnecting. So take the time, right now, to set time aside on your schedules to be alone together. Make this time inviolable (save death or true disaster)–your relationship is sacred so time for it should be sacrosanct too.
Loving Attention
I specify “loving attention” because I see many people that think that complaining, griping, bitching, and moaning are going to turn their marriage around. Rather than nagging your spouse, whining to your friends, or journaling about your woes, focus yourself on giving positive energy to your relationship in thought, word, and deed. Make it your mission to give only positive reinforcement to your relationship, no matter what. Here are a few concrete examples of what this could look like.
- Instead of complaining that your husband works late, invite him to join you for dinner out at his favorite restaurant and then really enjoy the meal together.
- Rather than focusing on how your wife is usually late, compliment her on how good it feels to be in her company.
- When a friend gripes about her husband, share something you love about your husband and then invite her to do the same.
- If you’re angry at your wife for something, be honest with her about your feelings yet do it in a loving and respectful way.
There are plenty of things in our world that we cannot directly control. Fortunately for us, and our marriages, we are masters of ourselves. Choose to invest your time and your loving energy in your relationship–whether you’re currently unhappy or happy–and you will see your love and connection to your partner flourish.
This post is #7 in the series exploring the reasons why couples are unhappy in marriage and, most importantly, how you can create a happier more satisfying relationship. Read posts 1-Unhappily ever after, 2-Are weddings ruining marriages?, 3-Healthy conversation tips for couples, 4-Required information on the road to a happy, fulfilling life, 5-Problem-proof your marriage with one simple change, and 6-Sweet forgiveness — the power tool for healthy marriages.
Sweet forgiveness — the power tool for healthy marriages
If you don’t regularly take time to fully forgive your husband or wife, your marriage won’t last.
While this may sound like an exaggeration, it’s not. Resentment–which is what happens when we don’t forgive our partner–is a terminal disease in relationships. When you resent your spouse, you’re dissolving the bond of love between you and you’re making yourself into the victim. Over time you’ll find that even “petty” issues inflame your anger and when this happens the end isn’t far from sight . . . unless you take radical action–Offer your mate your full forgiveness.
Let go of how you think he/she “should have” behaved. Stop judging her/him for something done in the past. Refuse to repeatedly rehash an old hurt. Don’t gripe about some former action that can’t now be undone.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
~ Mother Teresa
Want some help in exercising your forgiveness muscles?
We have a handout that we use with couples practicing forgiveness. Please feel free to download the Practicing Forgiveness Handout and use it in your relationships. If you have any questions about the process, please use the Comments section at the bottom of the post to send it to us. We’ll answer back as soon as possible.
Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past.
~ Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.
This post is #6 in the series exploring the reasons why couples are unhappy in marriage and, most importantly, how you can make the shift to a happier more satisfying relationship. Read posts 1-Unhappily ever after, 2-Are weddings ruining marriages?, 3-Healthy conversation tips for couples, 4-Required information on the road to a happy, fulfilling life, and 5-Problem-proof your marriage with one simple change.
Need a relationship tune up? Check our resources section
There are times for all couples when love and romance seems to teeter on a precipice or feels like we’re wandering in a deep and dark canyon. If you’re suffering from love lethargy, isn’t it time to make a change that will have you back on solid relationship ground? Check out the numerous books, websites, and couples workshops listed in our Resources section.
Whether you find something new to read or a online tool to try out, my advice is to approach your learning with an attitude of curiosity and lightness rather than treating your relationship as a broken down car in dire need of repair. When you see this as an opportunity to make you good relationship great, you’ll likely enjoy the process more, and find the end results much more satisfying.
Take the attitude of a student, never be too big to ask questions, never know too much to learn something new.
~ Og Mandino
If you have resources that have helped you to have a phenomenal love life, sustain a happy marriage, or weather the down times as a couple, please drop us a comment and let us know what the resource is and where we can find it. Let’s share the wisdom that’s out there with each other.
Problem-proof your marriage with one simple change
One reason that so many married couples struggle in their relationships is because they focus on their problems. If you and your partner put most of your attention on what’s NOT working, that’s what you’ll create in your marriage. Problems. People don’t like to believe this is true but it is.
Think about it. When you’re fixated on a problem, do you feel good or bad? If you’re like everyone I’ve ever talked to about this idea, you feel bad because the problem is your universe, the whole enchilada. Your marriage is the same way. If you (or your partner, or both of you), keep seeing what’s NOT working, that becomes your universe–a marriage that is NOT working (even though parts of it might be working wonderfully).
On the other hand, when you look around your life thinking, “Wow, my job is great. I have a great relationship. I’m healthy. I just bought a book that’s supposed to be wonderful. I love what I have for lunch today.” you’re going to feel good because your focus is on what IS working. If what’s “right” is where you focus your attention in your marriage, that’s what you’ll create more of–what IS working. So there’s your simple change–shift your focus.
Now, don’t read into my writing anything that says to ignore marital problems or to go to that river in Egypt (you know, ‘De-Nile’) about issues that are wearing and tearing at the fabric of your partnership. I don’t advocate ignorance or denial. If something isn’t working for the two of you–put your hearts and heads together to handle it. Identify what it is you DO want and then take steps to create that new reality for yourselves. While you’re changing that part of your relationship, put your focus on all else that’s good, loving, easy, satisfying, fulfilling, and wonderful about what you already have.
Bottom line: If you focus on what is NOT working about your marriage, you’ll create a marriage that doesn’t work. When you choose to look for, acknowledge, and emphasize what IS working, however, your marriage will become one that works very, very well. (Bruce and my marriage is living proof that when you focus on what’s great, something great is what you create.)
This post is #5 in the series exploring the reasons why couples are unhappy in marriage and, most importantly, how you can make the shift to a happier more satisfying relationship. Read posts 1-Unhappily ever after, 2-Are weddings ruining marriages?, 3-Healthy conversation tips for couples, and 4-Required information on the road to a happy, fulfilling life.
Required information on the road to a happy, fulfilling life
There are two questions you must answer in your life.
- Where am I going?
- Who is going with me?
You must ask, and answer them in that order. So says Conversations with God author, Neale Donald Walsch. Bruce and I agree.
For you to create a phenomenal relationship (and remarkable life), you must first know where you’re headed in life. What are you here to do? What is your vision? What is the purpose of your life? The answers to these, or similar questions, help you know the direction you want to head on your life’s journey. It’s imperative to know where you’re going, because otherwise, how will you get there.
Once you know where you’re going, it’s time to consider who will journey with you. Is it one person or many? What qualities do they possess? What is your relationship? It’s essential that you know these answers and more so you can attract this person (or persons) into your life and also select the “right” people from those already around you.
It’s thoughtful questions like these that we invite couples to answer in I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook. We believe that self-awareness is the first step in creating a happy, healthy marriage. Step number two is to share your discoveries with your partner. To create a loving, harmonious, and fulfilling partnership you must have such conversations and engage in this voyage together. By using The Marriage Vow Workbook before you officially join your lives, we believe that you set the stage for a more pleasant journey and a more durable and fun union.
So, your turn now. Have you answered the two questions for your life yet? Let us know what you think about these ideas and how engaging in this work might impact your life.
This post is the fourth in the series exploring the reasons why couples are unhappy in marriage and, most importantly, how you can make the shift to a happier more satisfying relationship. Read posts 1–Unhappily ever after, 2–Are weddings ruining marriages?, and 3–Healthy conversation tips for couples.
Healthy conversation tips for couples
Have you ever caught yourself talking AT your spouse? While there is probably more than one definition of talking AT someone, I’m referring to a specific behavior I’ve witnessed and even used myself (oh the horror). The behavior I’m referring to is the practice of giving your spouse information in a way that is unloving, demeaning, demanding, or otherwise disrespectful of the fact that you are two equals in relationship.
Why do we talk AT our mate rather than WITH him/her?
From my own experience and observation, lapsing into talking AT our spouses seems to happen when:
- We don’t think we’re being heard so we get bossier or more parental in our communication.
- We’re frustrated, angry, or resentful–with our spouse or someone/thing entirely unrelated–and our communication is our “release valve” on that energy.
- We’re lacking confidence in ourselves or feeling unsure of our connection with our spouse so we seek to feel better by gaining some sense of control of the situation.
- We go unconscious and forget that it’s not a conversation if our spouse isn’t engaged.
Signs you might be talking AT your spouse
- Your spouse says you’re nagging, hounding, bossing or otherwise telling them what to do.
- You hear your own tone of voice and think you sound like a mean teacher, controlling parent, or whiny child.
- You’re not interested in a response beyond knowing whether she/he heard you.
- You’re not looking at your spouse, you’re not in the same room or you’re multitasking.
How to reengage in conversation WITH your spouse
- Make specific time every day when you can have each other’s undivided attention.
- Truthfully state what you want or need before you begin a conversation and ask if your spouse is ready to provide that right now.
- Practice listening to your spouse with no intent other than to truly hear what she/he has said and what’s going on for her/him.
- Ask your spouse to help you learn things you do that make it easy for her/him to tune you out. Start changing any behaviors that are creating distance between the two of you.
Of course, since I’m doing all the communicating here, I’m not practicing what I preach. That’s what I have to say on the subject. I’d like to hear your wisdom now. Please offer your feedback, suggestions, or even questions. We can use this blog to practice “talking” WITH each other so it will be really easy when you use it at home with your honey.
This post is part of a multi-part series on a poll about marital unhappiness AND ways to make your marriage happy. Links are below:
- Original post — Unhappily ever after
- Post #2 — Are weddings ruining marriages?
Unhappily ever after — when marriage isn’t working
So 6 in 10 women aren’t sure if they would remarry their current husbands if given the chance (So said a recent poll from Woman’s Day/AOL that I wrote about on January 9.). That means that only 4 in 10 women would tie the knot again with the same man. To me that says that 60% of marriages are in sore shape.
Why marriage isn’t working
Now, since I’m the joyfully married coauthor of a book focused on preparing for marriage, I’m bound to have quite a few ideas about why these women are unhappy. Though each woman is an individual and each relationship is unique, here are some of the unhappiness factors that I’m confident are impacting many if not most of these married couples.
- Focus was misplaced on the wedding instead of the marriage
- Couple doesn’t communicate WITH each other honestly and openly
- Wife (and husband too) doesn’t truly know what she (or he) wants
- Emphasis is on what’s NOT working rather than what IS working
- Couple isn’t taking the time to forgive each other
- Relationship takes a back seat to other parts of life
- Wife (or husband or both) is playing not to get hurt
“It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.”
~ Mother Teresa
I’ll expand on these thoughts, and maybe even add other ideas, in upcoming posts. If you have your own hypotheses about why more than half of married women aren’t happy in their marriages, please comment away.
The high price of poor listening. What is it costing you?
Are you missing opportunities because you’re not listening?
“My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.”
~Anonymous
“Conversation: a vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.”
~Anonymous
Do you ever have disagreements or fights with your partner because someone isn’t listening? Have you ever known that your wife/husband told you something important but you can’t remember what it was? Do you sometimes get distracted, bored, or annoyed in a conversation about a “difficult” issue?
If these quotes or scenarios ring a bell, you NEED this free complimentary class to improve one of your most important relationship skills — listening. Join us for a one hour introduction to effective listening. Below are the basic facts about this class. Click the title of the class to learn more or register.
Listening for Love: Effective Listening for Couples
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
7-8 p.m. Eastern
Via telephone conference call
(i.e., If you have a phone you can be in the class.)
Our three primary objectives for this communications class are to learn:
- Why effective listening is vital to a healthy relationship
- The crucial differences between “hearing” and “listening”
- Some of the barriers that prevent you from hearing what’s really being said
We look forward to hearing you on the call. Participate solo or invite your partner to join you. Learn more about Listening for Love or register now.
How can you have the relationship you want if your wants remain a secret?
“Men are four times more likely than women to negotiate the first offer, thus they accumulate an average of a half-million dollars more in their paychecks by age 60. Whether by nature or by nurture, many women shy away from negotiating salary. We assume that if we jump into the job, pull up our sleeves, and get down to business, someone will notice us and reward us accordingly. Rarely does that happen, and so you wind up cheating yourself out of money by not asking for it.”
- Tory Johnson, CEO of Women For Hire and the official workplace contributor on ABC’s Good Morning America
If you’re wondering what this quote has to do with relationships, let me explain. If you want something specific from your partner–a kiss, a helping hand cleaning the kitchen, a night out with the guys, an impartial sounding board–ask for it.
Now, some of you reading this may think I’m stating the obvious, yet, like the quote by Tory Johnson illustrates, many of us assume our needs are evident even though we don’t take the time to make them clearly known. Yes, over time in a relationship–whether it’s long-term dating or marriage–we learn many of our partner’s non-verbal signals and we even know how to decode her/his secret language. However, unless your goals in life are to (a) make your partner work extra hard and (b) let your needs go unmet, it’s time to start speaking up for what you want.
Are you ready? Let us know how you’re going to advocate for your wants and needs. Or offer your own ideas about this suggestion.
