Marital bliss — One couple’s formula for 24 love-filled years

If you want some great, tested advice about how to make your relationship thrive, read What Has Made it Work? Wisdom from The Happiest Couple I Know a post by our good friend, Adrian Deal. In it she shares the practices of her uncle Mike and aunt Kathy. Below are the 10 habits they’ve used to cultivate their happiness through the years.

• We Only Made Two Promises
• We Don’t Expect Things From Each Other
• We Let Go of Jealousy
• We Treat Each Other as True Friends
• We Don’t Tease
• We Build and Cherish Private Traditions
• “That’s The Wrong Answer!”
• We Make No Deals
• We Assume We Won’t Fulfill All Needs
• We Hug Often

Shonnie’s observations: I think their light-hearted way of saying, “That’s the wrong answer,” is a great way to diffuse the tension of potentially sticky situations. It’s a gentle way of redirecting the conversation without making it easy for anyone to feel guilty. Not having expectations is also a great way to avoid conflict and minimize one’s chances of being “let down.” Equally valuable is not teasing and this is a conversation Bruce and I have from time to time. Though swaddled in the guise of “just joking,” teasing often has an unloving or dishonoring message at its core.

Bruce’s observations: I don’t know what Mike and Kathy’s two promises were, yet it’s clear that they’ve made it simple to be intentional about their commitments to one another. Bravo! Plus hugging is a great way to stay connected–physically, emotionally and spiritually. A practice I learned from David Deida: When I sense a disconnection between me and Shonnie, I hug her, really hug her so that our hearts are physically close, and without words I let her know that I love her deeply, that all is well, that I’m with her all the way.

Yeah for Kathy and Mike for making their first 24 years so fantastic. Here’s best wishes for the same kind of bliss over the next quarter-century.

What makes marriage work?

Before you invest in I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook, we want you to have a sense of whether it’s the right book for you. One way to do so is to determine if the philosophy, values and beliefs expressed in the book are aligned with your vision for yourselves and your lives together.

Our thoughts on creating a happy marriage

• Marriage is a partnership created by two people who love and want the best for one another.
• A wedding (or commitment ceremony) is the official beginning of a marriage, but a marriage is a lifelong journey that you have committed to take together.
• Powerful, meaningful vows provide a solid foundation on which to build your marriage, and by upholding these commitments you’ll be better able to handle the bumps when they come.
• Having a shared vision–how you will relate to each other, what values you live, your desired future destination–is essential. If you’re on divergent paths, it’s difficult to journey together.
• Love is essential to a wonderful marriage. So are respect, forgiveness, compassion, honesty, cooperation, clarity, purposefulness, and “for-ness” (being fully committed to the other person and supporting their growth).
• It’s imperative that you develop, practice, and hone your communication skills (listening as well as speaking). You’ll use them every day, and they affect every part of your relationship.
• Even the best relationships have ups and downs. How you choose to handle the bumps in the road as you journey together is of prime importance.
• No one has all the answers to marriage/relationship questions. However, seeking out the company of those who practice love, respect, and intimacy in their relationships will support you as much as expert advice.
• Openness to learning, growth, and change will serve you well in marriage, because time and experience will alter who you are and maybe even your vision for your journey together.

Learn more about our relationship philosophy and the Marriage Vow Workbook by listening to a recent interview (16 minutes) we gave to Dave Debs from The Coach Corner. You have to create a free account to access this recording, yet the process is very simple and quick to complete.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

~ Mignon McLaughlin

Never blame your mate

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”

~ Barnett Brickner

When we hit rough patches at work, it’s common to look for someone to blame. When we don’t like what’s happening in our communities, governments, and churches we easily complain about who’s at fault. It’s no different in our marriages. Many of us tend to point the finger at our partner when we argue or when something’s gone wrong.

There are many problems we create when we blame our spouse for our dyad dilemmas.

• Our partner usually gets more upset since they’re now being labeled as THE guilty party.
• We abdicate our ability to rectify the situation because when we make someone else responsible we become the powerless victim.
• We create a relationship imbalance (one person is “up,” the other is “down”) which makes us susceptible to another pendulum swing sometime in the future.
• Our problem still exists and, if anything, it’s now worse than before we started blaming.

Relationship problems are relationship problems. They involve two people (in this case), both of whom played active roles in creating the problem. So, the next time you’re in a spat with your spouse, ask yourself, “What did I do that helped make this situation happen?” Though it’s initially more sobering to take responsibility for your role, it’s a faster, and smoother route to reconnecting than blaming can ever provide.

Things we do for love

“You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.”

~ Henry Drummond

This post is about love, not between two romantic lovers but between a mother and daughter–my mother and me.

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When my mom was struggling with breast cancer, her doctors implanted a device in her upper chest where some of her drugs could be injected after the veins in her arms and hands had became too difficult and painful to access. Unfortunately the area became infected and the device had to be removed, which left an open wound. To heal, the wound required a thorough daily cleaning. I asked the home health nurse to show me how to care for the wound so I could help my mom restore health to at least that one thing.Love compelled me to do that. Love willed me through my fear, past my sadness, and into my compassion. Love guided me to face my pain to help soothe my mom’s. Love didn’t necessarily make that task any easier, but it did allow me to take the first step.

Love also helped me do other things that I had never conceived of:

• Rushing across the Dallas metroplex between my double shifts as a waitress to be with my mom during her multiple stays in the hospital in the first couple of months after her diagnosis;
• Bathing my mom and changing her diapers when her cancer progressed so much that she could no longer care for herself or even leave the hospital bed we had at home;
• Holding her unresponsive hands and caressing her motionless face while I laid alongside her dead body in the Dallas hospital where she spent her last days;
• Reading a poem I’d written about her at her memorial service in front of hundreds of family, friends, and others who loved her.

Had love not possessed me during her illness and death, I could have never done such delicate, difficult, and sometimes seemingly ineffective tasks.

Of course, love had gotten my mom through trials and suffering too, as is the case for all parents. Whether she was worried sick when I got Chicken Pox at the age of four, or exasperated when I threw the tantrum to end all tantrums, I’m sure love guided her. When I did things she didn’t understand or condone, love may have helped her come closer instead of pulling away. Love, I’m certain, had to be accessed regularly once I reached my teen years when so often kids and parents lock horns or build walls between each other. Love may have even given her the courage to be so vulnerable to me during her last six months of life.

“It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.”

~ Mother Teresa

July 2 was the 14th anniversary of my mom’s death. July 14 is her birthday. It’s been so long that I don’t really remember her voice, and though I don’t consciously think about her everyday, love helps me stay connected. Through memory of our shared life experience, I get to be with my mom in spirit. As those of you who’ve lost someone you deeply love know, there are times when you miss that person so much that you weep uncontrollably, overcome by your loss and filled with hopelessness. Writing this piece is opening me up to that pain anew. But love helps me ride those waves of despair and emerge whole, despite my scars.

Thank God that love does all it does for us. It’s the superhuman gift we’ve each been given — a superpower possessed by all mortals. Without love I’m quite certain that there would be no point to life, no reason to exist at all. So while loving someone with all your heart makes you extremely vulnerable, love will also mend the heart’s wounds, leaving you both more tender and more tough in the process. May each and every one of you do scary, difficult, gentle, powerful, and important things for love. And may your beloveds do likewise for you. Your lives will never be the same. . .and that’s a wonderful thing.

For all of my beloveds, especially today for my mom, born Cora Sue Boehm, on July 14, 1943.

Over 100 ways to express your love

For those times when you need some inspiration for showing your partner that you love her/him, here’s a list of 101 ways to show you love somebody. This list came from a competition in Milton Keynes secondary schools and youth clubs and in one of the local papers asking for people’s answers to this question:

Still stumped for ideas (or perhaps you’ve already used the 101 ways suggested above)–read about how you can show your love without spending a dime.

What creative ways do you show your honey that you love her/him? What’s the most romantic gift you’ve ever received?

Modern wedding vows (a humorous slant)

While we do favor the self-written wedding vow for most couples, you have to be careful not to go too far. . .

What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard at a wedding ceremony?

Recipe for a healthy and delicious marriage

“You don’t have to sit on top of a mountain to discover what is right for you. You always know in your heart what you need to do. But you do have to ask yourself if you’re willing to make choices. Put yourself in a position where you’re making choices about your life, rather than letting other people make those choices for you. That’s what balance is all about.”

~ Liz Dolan

In my book, Live the Life You’ve Imagined, I have a chapter titled, “Create Your Ideal Life Recipe,” where I offer ten questions for contemplation. Though I wrote this book for an individual to use, I think that these same questions can be powerful and illuminating for a couple as well. Below are the ten “ideal life recipe” questions adapted for couples. I encourage you to answer them individually (i.e., write your perspective on the answer) then talk about what you’ve written.

What ingredients make your relationship rich & rewarding?

1. Who are we?
2. What are we passionate about?
3. What qualities do the people we admire possess?
4. What do we need to be our best?
5. What nurtures, renews, or inspires us?
6. Who do we want in our life?
7. Where or when do we feel limited,
   shut down, or sapped of energy?
8. Do we have enough time just for us?
9. How do we know that we are valued, appreciated, and loved?
10. How would we live if we knew we would die one year from now?

Once you have your answers and have talked together about what you’ve discovered, there’s one more key–ACTION. Choose just one area/item that you’d like to more fully realize in your marriage and start taking steps to create that new reality. If you’re willing to share what you decided, or what you discovered, feel free to use our comments area (you can even be anonymous if you like).

Is your relationship beyond help?

If your relationship is beyond help, this is a good thing. How can this be, you may ask. I’ll tell you after I share this quote.

“Serving is different from helping. Helping is based on inequality; it is not a relationship between equals. When you help you use your own strength to help those of lesser strength. Serving is also different from fixing. When I fix a person, I perceive them as broken, and their brokenness requires me to act. The bottom line, of course, is that we can fix without serving. And we can help without serving. And we can serve without fixing or helping. I think that I would go so far as to say that fixing and helping may often be the work of the ego and service the work of the soul. These things may look similar if you’re watching from the outside, but the inner experience is different. The outcome is often different too.”

~ Rachel Naomi Remen, In the Service of Life (PDF)

My contention is this. If your relationship is in the helping stage, you’re not in full partnership. One of you is superior, one is inferior. If you’re in the fixing stage, similar story–one of you is “broken” the other is the fixer-uper. But, if your marriage is one built on service, you’re two equal partners contributing your gifts and sharing the responsibilities and honors of your relationship.

Our 8th wedding anniversary

Today is the eighth anniversary of our marriage, and we’re off to a two-day holiday in the mountains north of here to celebrate.

I created a card for Shonnie and gave it to her this morning:

Happy anniversary, my sweet Shonnie!

The longer we’re together, the more certain I am that we’re supposed to be. We’ve created such a rich and fulfilling life together in just eight (plus 2.5) years together, I look forward to seeing what we manifest in the coming decade. I love you, I love you, I love you!

Bruce

And Shonnie responded with a card and a note of her own:

Once upon a time
two people fell in love . . .
They took every smile and every tear,
a few differences of opinion,
some major triumphs,
and several minor miracles,
and turned them into something very beautiful.
I love what we’ve made together.
I love you.

In just 8 years of marriage we’ve been on such a fantastic, interesting, challenging, opening, expanding, enjoyable journey. As this card says, “I love what we’ve made together.” I look forward to many more memories as we travel into our future. I feel confident in our abiity to find/create/follow the best life path for us and I feel grateful that we are so good at sharing all parts of the journey with love, grace, humor, agility and strength.

With love and gratitude, Shonnie

Yesterday I wrote about how we’ve created a rich and rewarding relationship. Below are my thoughts on this:

* * *

Tomorrow we will have been married eight years. In addition, we lived together for more than two years prior to our marriage. Our relationship continues to grow, deepen and become more fulfilling. Some of the reasons for this include:

We were both clear about what we wanted in a primary relationship (and what we didn’t want) before committing to one another. In fact, I (Bruce) had a four-page typed list of attributes I wanted in a mate. Approximately ten of these were non-negotiable, including authenticity, integrity, compassion, physical attractiveness, athleticism, and commitment to personal and spiritual growth. By going through this process, I gained the clarity I needed as to who I was looking for and where they’d be hanging out. Then the Universe responded. I met Shonnie at a marathon training group in Austin in the summer of 1995.

We have a clear vision about where we want to go together. We are not on the exact same path, but we do have a similar vision of where we want to go in terms of right livelihood, spirituality, personal growth, sustainability, and service. To paraphrase Neale Donald Walsch, the two questions that must be answered are “Where are you going?” and “Who’s going with you?” And they must be answered in that order. Not to do so presents problems for couples, if not now, then somewhere down the road.

Our values are in alignment. We were clear that we both valued love, compassion, honesty, integrity, authenticity, commitment, impeccability, emotional and spiritual growth, generosity, service, gratitude, playfulness, and simplicity early in our relationship.

We made a deep and abiding commitment up front, and we keep that commitment. Before we moved in together, we created agreements about how we would be with one another. And before we married we created marriage vows for the ceremony and as commitments for how we would live our lives together.

We meet regularly to review our vows/commitments, acknowledge one another, and tell our truths. In fact, at each evening meal we state at least one thing we’re grateful for, then acknowledge each other for at least one thing they did that day.

We tell the truth. Each of us tells the truth even when we believe it might be challenging for the other to hear. And we do our best to really listen when that truth is being told.

We focus on what is working in the relationship and the positive attributes of one another. The tendency in today’s culture is to focus on what’s not working and what we don’t like about our partners. To do so, guarantees that more of the same will be created. On the other hand . . .

We clean up our space as we go. We step over nothing. For example, if I (Bruce) do something thoughtless, disrespectful or unloving, Shonnie has committed to bring it to my attention in a way that I can hear it.

We refuse to hold onto ill will. This is the real relationship killer–resentment that has built up over weeks, months, years and creates walls between partners. We have a process that we use regularly to cleanse ourselves of resentment.

We support each other to be fully authentic, rather than try to get our partner to become the person we sometimes might like him/her to be.

Thanks to all of you who have acknowledged us on our special day. And thanks to those of you–family and friends–who helped create our marriage weekend May 28-30, 1999 (see photo above). This remains one of our fondest memories during all of our time together.

Marriage quotes

Need something loving to say at a wedding? Getting prepared to give a wedding toast? Looking for appropriate quotes to include in your best man or maid of honor speech? Below are a handful of our favorite quotes about love, relationships, and marriage. If you have a favorite to share, please drop it in the comments section.

“To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.”

~ Ogden Nash

“You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. The great acts of love are done by those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness. We pardon to the extent that we love. Love is knowing that even when you are alone, you will never be lonely again. And great happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. Loved for ourselves. And even loved in spite of ourselves.”

~ Victor Hugo

“It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.”

~ Mother Teresa

“Marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to be solved.”

~ Gary Chapman

“When you are for me as much as you are for yourself, And I am for you as much as I am for myself, we will start to understand the meaning of our relationship.”

~ Brad Brown

“Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner, it feels limitless, not limited.”

~ Gloria Steinem

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