Marital bliss — One couple’s formula for 24 love-filled years
If you want some great, tested advice about how to make your relationship thrive, read What Has Made it Work? Wisdom from The Happiest Couple I Know a post by our good friend, Adrian Deal. In it she shares the practices of her uncle Mike and aunt Kathy. Below are the 10 habits they’ve used to cultivate their happiness through the years.
- We Only Made Two Promises
- We Don’t Expect Things From Each Other
- We Let Go of Jealousy
- We Treat Each Other as True Friends
- We Don’t Tease
- We Build and Cherish Private Traditions
- “That’s The Wrong Answer!”
- We Make No Deals
- We Assume We Won’t Fulfill All Needs
- We Hug Often
Shonnie’s observations: I think their light-hearted way of saying, “That’s the wrong answer,” is a great way to diffuse the tension of potentially sticky situations. It’s a gentle way of redirecting the conversation without making it easy for anyone to feel guilty. Not having expectations is also a great way to avoid conflict and minimize one’s chances of being “let down.” Equally valuable is not teasing and this is a conversation Bruce and I have from time to time. Though swaddled in the guise of “just joking,” teasing often has an unloving or dishonoring message at its core.
Bruce’s observations: I don’t know what Mike and Kathy’s two promises were, yet it’s clear that they’ve made it simple to be intentional about their commitments to one another. Bravo! Plus hugging is a great way to stay connected–physically, emotionally and spiritually. A practice I learned from David Deida: When I sense a disconnection between me and Shonnie, I hug her, really hug her so that our hearts are physically close, and without words I let her know that I love her deeply, that all is well, that I’m with her all the way.
Yeah for Kathy and Mike for making their first 24 years so fantastic. Here’s best wishes for the same kind of bliss over the next quarter-century.
What makes marriage work?
Before you invest in I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook, we want you to have a sense of whether it’s the right book for you. One way to do so is to determine if the philosophy, values and beliefs expressed in the book are aligned with your vision for yourselves and your lives together.
Our thoughts on creating a happy marriage
- Marriage is a partnership created by two people who love and want the best for one another.
- A wedding (or commitment ceremony) is the official beginning of a marriage, but a marriage is a lifelong journey that you have committed to take together.
- Powerful, meaningful vows provide a solid foundation on which to build your marriage, and by upholding these commitments you’ll be better able to handle the bumps when they come.
- Having a shared vision–how you will relate to each other, what values you live, your desired future destination–is essential. If you’re on divergent paths, it’s difficult to journey together.
- Love is essential to a wonderful marriage. So are respect, forgiveness, compassion, honesty, cooperation, clarity, purposefulness, and “for-ness” (being fully committed to the other person and supporting their growth).
- It’s imperative that you develop, practice, and hone your communication skills (listening as well as speaking). You’ll use them every day, and they affect every part of your relationship.
- Even the best relationships have ups and downs. How you choose to handle the bumps in the road as you journey together is of prime importance.
- No one has all the answers to marriage/relationship questions. However, seeking out the company of those who practice love, respect, and intimacy in their relationships will support you as much as expert advice.
- Openness to learning, growth, and change will serve you well in marriage, because time and experience will alter who you are and maybe even your vision for your journey together.
Learn more about our relationship philosophy and the Marriage Vow Workbook by listening to a recent interview (16 minutes) we gave to Dave Debs from The Coach Corner. You have to create a free account to access this recording, yet the process is very simple and quick to complete.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
~ Mignon McLaughlin
Podcast — Prevent negative energy from turning into trouble
A tiny snowball at the top of a mountain starts to roll down the slopes. As it rolls, it accumulates more and more snow, becoming a gigantic snowy boulder that will crush anything in its path.
Have you ever had that kind of “snowball effect” in your relationship, where many tiny annoyances soon roll into one huge argument? My guess is that you have (or you at least know someone who has). I’m also guessing that you would be happy to have fewer such “snowball” situations from now on.
The good news is that we each have personal warning signs that alert us to relationship “danger ahead.” In this podcast (5 minutes), I share an example of one of my warning signs and how knowing it kept Bruce and me out of a deep dark hole.
How to prevent a negative situation from getting worse
- Know how you feel when you’re in a negative situation — Perhaps you feel a tightness in your chest, your breathing is more rapid and shallow, or your head starts to ache. Learn what signals your body sends to tell you that something’s not right.
- Know your personal “warning signs” that danger lurks ahead — You might hear that certain tone in your voice or notice that judgmental thoughts are zooming through your mind. Become adept at recognizing that your fuse is wearing out and you’re getting close to your explosion point.
- Learn how to diffuse negative situations — You can simply stop talking, take some deep breaths before talking again, or even ask for a time out. Find effective ways to disengage your negative energy so that you can stop a downward-spiraling conversation from gaining any more momentum.
“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”
~ Dale Carnegie
What habits or practices do you use to keep negative situations from spiraling downward into trouble?
Never blame your mate
“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”
~ Barnett Brickner
When we hit rough patches at work, it’s common to look for someone to blame. When we don’t like what’s happening in our communities, governments, and churches we easily complain about who’s at fault. It’s no different in our marriages. Many of us tend to point the finger at our partner when we argue or when something’s gone wrong.
There are many problems we create when we blame our spouse for our dyad dilemmas.
- Our partner usually gets more upset since they’re now being labeled as THE guilty party.
- We abdicate our ability to rectify the situation because when we make someone else responsible we become the powerless victim.
- We create a relationship imbalance (one person is “up,” the other is “down”) which makes us susceptible to another pendulum swing sometime in the future.
- Our problem still exists and, if anything, it’s now worse than before we started blaming.
Relationship problems are relationship problems. They involve two people (in this case), both of whom played active roles in creating the problem. So, the next time you’re in a spat with your spouse, ask yourself, “What did I do that helped make this situation happen?” Though it’s initially more sobering to take responsibility for your role, it’s a faster, and smoother route to reconnecting than blaming can ever provide.
Recipe for a healthy and delicious marriage
“You don’t have to sit on top of a mountain to discover what is right for you. You always know in your heart what you need to do. But you do have to ask yourself if you’re willing to make choices. Put yourself in a position where you’re making choices about your life, rather than letting other people make those choices for you. That’s what balance is all about.”
~ Liz Dolan
In my book, Live the Life You’ve Imagined, I have a chapter titled, “Create Your Ideal Life Recipe,” where I offer ten questions for contemplation. Though I wrote this book for an individual to use, I think that these same questions can be powerful and illuminating for a couple as well. Below are the ten “ideal life recipe” questions adapted for couples. I encourage you to answer them individually (i.e., write your perspective on the answer) then talk about what you’ve written.
What ingredients make your relationship rich & rewarding?
Who are we?- What are we passionate about?
- What qualities do the people we admire possess?
- What do we need to be our best?
- What nurtures, renews, or inspires us?
- Who do we want in our life?
- Where or when do we feel limited,
shut down, or sapped of energy? - Do we have enough time just for us?
- How do we know that we are valued, appreciated, and loved?
- How would we live if we knew we would die one year from now?
Once you have your answers and have talked together about what you’ve discovered, there’s one more key–ACTION. Choose just one area/item that you’d like to more fully realize in your marriage and start taking steps to create that new reality. If you’re willing to share what you decided, or what you discovered, feel free to use our comments area (you can even be anonymous if you like).
Marriage quotes
Need something loving to say at a wedding? Getting prepared to give a wedding toast? Looking for appropriate quotes to include in your best man or maid of honor speech? Below are a handful of our favorite quotes about love, relationships, and marriage. If you have a favorite to share, please drop it in the comments section.
“To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.”
~ Ogden Nash“You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. The great acts of love are done by those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness. We pardon to the extent that we love. Love is knowing that even when you are alone, you will never be lonely again. And great happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. Loved for ourselves. And even loved in spite of ourselves.”
~ Victor Hugo“It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.”
~ Mother Teresa“Marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to be solved.”
~ Gary Chapman“When you are for me as much as you are for yourself, And I am for you as much as I am for myself, we will start to understand the meaning of our relationship.”
~ Brad Brown“Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner, it feels limitless, not limited.”
~ Gloria Steinem
Have more fun with your spouse
Though Bruce and I definitely advocate spending time working on relationships (i.e., investing time to make them as fulfilling as possible), we think that sometimes work should be the last thing on your list. Many couples, including us, need to find ways to bring more PLAY into our partnerships.
Play nourishes you both physically and emotionally. . . . In addition to nourishing you physically and emotionally, couple play directly and intensely adds zest to your relationship. It strengthens your bonds with each other. . . . it gives you an important tool for coping with various challenges and problems.
~ Drs. Jeanette & Robert Lauer
As children, we all knew how to play. We knew how to have fun, laugh, be silly, create, enjoy, savor, relax. We were experts at living in the moment and doing what we wanted to do (instead of what we “should” do). As “responsible adults,” however, we may have forgotten how to play, or simply don’t think of play as important. Here are three factors that Jeanette and Robert Lauer, authors of The Play Solution: How to put the fun and excitement back into your relationship, say keep couples from being playful:
- “The ‘act your age’ trap” — Many of us think play is for kids and let the belief that we’ll been seen as childish, immature, or silly keep us from playing or having fun.
- “The tyranny of schedules” — We live in a busy world where we’re go, go, go from early morning until late at night and our schedules are bursting with meetings, appointments, chores, and other responsibilities that leave us little time for play.
- “The long arm of work” — If we’re not busy because of our own desires, we’re often occupied with professional pursuits and demands of our jobs, so play gets pushed even further down our list of priorities.
Bring play back into your lives
So, before we all get too cranky or too forgetful to remember how to play, let’s follow some of the Lauer’s tips.
Create a “play profile” to identify your favorite types of play (e.g., social, cultural, love, physical, humor, games).- Identify your “play quotient” as a couple so you’ll know if you’re getting the “right amount” of play for each of you.
- Go for a laugh a day so that laughter and lightness are part of your everyday relationship. (The book offers 10 specific tips for getting your RDA of laughter.
- Be spontaneously playful by adapting your routine so you don’t get stuck in a rut. Again, the book is filled with concrete ideas.
- Make intimacy and sex playful and fun. This can include everything from writing love notes to each other to creating “love feasts.” Check the book for examples.
Don’t take our word for it. Go out, get your own copy of The Play Solution: How to put the fun and excitement back into your relationship, then start playing. There’s no better time than right now to make your marriage more fun!
One skill is essential to a lasting, happy marriage
What’s sure to happen to couples who’ve been together for a long time? Things will have occurred over the years that they didn’t like. Yep, it’s true, even the happiest of twosomes get irked, irritated, upset, angry, frustrated, and just plain annoyed with each other. Ask any honest couple and they’ll confirm this fact. 
No big deal, right? If couples “clean up” these relationship disconnections as they go along, they’ll be good to go. If, however, like most people, the couples sweep the poop under the rug, before too long they’ll be separated by a big pile of stinky stuff. So, if you plan to be with your honey for a long, loving lifetime, you must both become experts in forgiveness.
A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
~Ruth Bell Graham
What does forgiveness mean?
In Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All, Gerald Jampolsky, M.D., wrote that, “From the perspective of Love and Spirit, forgiveness is the willingness to let go of the hurtful past. It is the decision to no longer suffer, to heal your heart and soul. It is the choice to no longer find value in hatred or anger. And it is letting go of the desire to hurt others or ourselves because of something that is already in the past.”
The way to God is through forgiveness here. There is no other way.
~A Course in Miracles
When is forgiveness needed?
Based on my own experience in relationship, forgiveness isn’t just for rare occasions. Though my preference is to never have big issues to forgive in my relationships, there are plenty of everyday “infractions” that keep me from feeling totally connected to the people I love. While it may seem petty, I’ve found that most people harbor grudges over “trivial” matters (whether they realize they’re doing so or not).
Here are few areas to look at in your relationship to see if resentments are building up:
- Money – Has your partner done anything with money that you feel angry about?
- Sex – Has your partner ever been “too tired” when you were in the mood (or vice versa)?
- Habits – Does your partner do anything that you get irritated or annoyed at?
- Decision making — Does your partner always agree with what you want to do?
- Time – Are you ever upset about how your partner wants to spend her/his time?
- Communication – Does your partner ever say things you find irritating, unloving, or mean-spirited?
- Life – Is there anything your partner has said or not said, done or not done that you felt annoyed, irritated, frustrated, or upset by?
In relationships, “resentment” is the real four-letter word.
~Brad Brown
How can you tell if forgiveness would help?
If you want to have a loving, connected, fulfilling relationship my advice is this: Anytime you don’t feel loving, connected, or fulfilled in your relationship, forgiveness might be your solution. Here are a few clues I’ve seen in myself, and those I work with, that indicate it’s likely time for forgiveness:
- You talk to your partner with a negative tone of voice (whether you sound snotty, snooty, condescending, critical, or bossy).
- You call your partner names (even if you say “I’m just joking”).
- You complain about your partner to friends or family.
- You are gruff or non-responsive with your partner.
- You physically withdraw from your partner.
- You emphasize things your partner does “wrong.”
- You claim (aloud or to yourself) your superiority.
- You avoid spending time with your partner.
- You react quickly and harshly for even “minor” annoyances.
- Your primary communication with your partner is stiff, cold, grumpy, or terse.
- You are sarcastic, argumentative, or defensive.
- You are highly sensitive to anything “bad” your partner does.
Life is an adventure in forgiveness.
~Norman Cousins
How do you forgive?
If you’re new to the practice of forgiveness (based on what I see in our world right now, I dare say that we’ve got a lot of rookies on our forgiveness team), there are some great resources to help you learn.
- Forgiveness The Greatest Healer of All, Gerald G. Jampolsky
- Online tools from the Institute of Radical Forgiveness
- Radical Forgiveness, Colin Tipping
- Center for Attitudinal Healing (locations worldwide)
- More to Life (programs in US, UK, South Africa, New Zealand)
So, there are my thoughts on forgiveness and why it is a skill you must master if you want to have loving, lasting relationships. I welcome additional resources as well as other opinions or questions you have. Please feel free to add your thoughts in by clicking the “comments” area at the bottom of this post.
Forgiveness creates a world where we do not withhold our love from anyone.
~Gerald Jampolsky
In a good marriage, hurt is part of the game
A dear friend of ours who has worked for over twenty-five years as a licensed counseling psychologist once compared relationships to sports (football to be exact). He said that when you play full out (in marriage or in sports) you WILL get hurt–it’s simply part of the game. Then you rest, recuperate, and tend to your wound–be it an aching heart or a strained muscle–and soon you’re back in the game, giving it your all.
Hurt so good
When we get hurt, we have the opportunity to learn and grow. What happened that didn’t work? What area of weakness could we strengthen? Where could we use more practice as a couple? Our hurts help as to further develop ourselves as individuals and as a couple. Though temporarily painful, the hurts often make it easier for us to play with more passion, agility, grace, and ease once we’ve healed.
Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.
~ Zen Buddhist saying
Don’t avoid risks
On the other hand, some couples work really hard to avoid any hurt. They walk on eggshells, don’t tell the truth, and withhold some part of themselves hoping to save themselves from pain. But, as the saying goes, “pain is inevitable,” so attempting to avoid it serves only to keep your connection at a superficial level where the risk–and the rewards–are low. It might work fine on a temporary basis, but if you’re intention is to form a life-long bond with your spouse, you have to be willing to risk a deeper level of intimacy and vulnerability.
So, play the game at 100%. Know that you will sometimes get hurt and will sometimes inflict pain. When you or your spouse are hurt, talk about what happened; shower each other with copious quantities of love, compassion, and (if needed) forgiveness; allow time for healing; then get back in the game with all you’ve got. Remember, you’re playing for a “win-win” where everything is better because you went full out.
(Note: In no way am I endorsing any kind of violence–verbal or physical–in relationships. The “hurts” to which I refer are the aches and pains of everyday life.)
This is the final post in the series exploring the reasons why couples are unhappy in marriage and, most importantly, how you can create a happier more satisfying relationship. Read posts 1-Unhappily ever after, 2-Are weddings ruining marriages?, 3-Healthy conversation tips for couples, 4-Required information on the road to a happy, fulfilling life, 5-Problem-proof your marriage with one simple change, 6-Sweet forgiveness — the power tool for healthy marriages, and 7-Two keys to make your love flourish.
Who takes responsibility in your relationship?
I think that a healthy relationship is one in which, when their is “poop” to clean up, both partners pitch in. Though we don’t generally like to look at the messy parts of our marriages, they are a great window into our relationship health.
For many of us, it’s easy to place blame when things aren’t rosy. We live in a culture (definitely in the US at least), where blaming is becoming an instinct in relationships large and small. One of the main problems with blaming, however, is that it improves nothing. It might soothe your ego for a short while to think that your hubby or your wife has done you wrong, but once that high is gone, you’re likely to feel quite blue.
As long as you can find someone else to blame for anything you are doing, you cannot be held accountable or responsible for your growth or the lack of it.
~ Sun Bear
So, if you want to feel better AND resolve your problems, stop blaming and start taking responsibility for what’s being created in your life. Note to all martyrs: Taking responsibility does NOT mean saying “It’s all my fault” and condemning yourself as the guilty party. That never works either. Taking responsibility means owning your part/role in what happened, taking action to rectify the situation, and giving your partner the space to do the same.
As you move away from the “gotcha” blame game, you’re likely to find that not only are messes more quickly cleaned up, but that they even stop getting created in the first place.
