Creating Passionate Commitment
Earlier this month we were interviewed by Coach Iris Benrubi about passionate commitment. We first familiarized our audience with the five levels of commitment from the Commitment Scale in our book I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook:
- Uncommitted—Disconnected entirely from your partner
- Obligated—Begrudging participation, duty-bound
- Desiring—Wishing for a deeper connection
- Committed—Connected to one another as allies, equals
- Passionate commitment (or inspired)—Synergistic partnership, deep connection to one another as well as connection to the world-at-large
Though we may move up and down the scale, the idea is to spend most of one’s time on the committed end of it.
But how do you fully commit to your significant other, whether in a new relationship or in an existing relationship? We offer the following suggestions. You can learn much more about each of these strategies in our book.
- Choice—Choose to be committed, then keep your focus on this choice.
- Vision—Create a joint vision, a vivid mental picture, for the future of your relationship together, and bring that vision into your consciousness on a regular basis.
- Vows—Craft vows or commitments about how you will be one another.
- Live your vows—Put practices in place that support you to be intentional about keeping your commitments to yourself and to one another.
- Daily housekeeping—Handle all disconnections from your partner as they arise, stepping over nothing; work through conflict and bring yourself back to connection.
- Empathic listening—Make a conscious effort to truly hear and understand your partner’s point of view.
- Forgiveness—Refuse to hold ill will and clean up resentments as you go. Ask for and offer forgiveness for all transgressions.
If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact us. Review the first 15 pages of I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook (PDF format).
Modern wedding vows (a humorous slant)
While we do favor the self-written wedding vow for most couples, you have to be careful not to go too far. . .
What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard at a wedding ceremony?
Marriage Vow Workbook authors interviewed on the Wedding Podcast Network
Remember when we told you about the Wedding Podcast Network–a great resource for planning your wedding? Well, guess what? We were featured guests on episode 22 of their show–Bridal Scene!
Robert Allen, one of the Wedding Podcast Network’s founders, interviewed us about I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook. In addition to our conversation about how to write your own wedding vows, the importance of personal wedding vows, and what’s included in The Marriage Vow Workbook, there’s some other great info on this podcast.
So, sit back, relax, and hop on over to the Wedding Podcast Network and listen to the Bridal Scene podcast! Show notes can be found here.
Podcast — Ideas for couples thinking of writing their own wedding vows
Bruce Mulkey & Shonnie Lavender interviewed by Karen Ross [12:18m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download“We believe that each couple has the vows within them. We put together a process to draw those vows out.”~ Bruce Mulkey
Planning your wedding can be a hectic, challenging time. For many couples, the idea of using their own vows is appealing, yet the thought of having one more thing “to do” can seem overwhelming. We understand this dilemma and wrote The Marriage Vow Workbook to give you a path to follow in writing your own wedding vows.
In this episode of the I Do! I Do! podcast (12 minutes 18 seconds long), we share part of our interview by radio talk show host, Karen Ross, from 106.3 FM in Greenville, South Carolina. Here are the areas we talk about with Karen.
- Why we were inspired to write The Marriage Vow Workbook
- How the book benefits couples entering their first marriage as well as people who are preparing to remarry and those who are renewing their vows
- Writing your own wedding vows is easier than you might think
- How reviewing your vows on a regular basis helps to keep your love strong
- How The Marriage Vow Workbook offers more than simply a process for writing your own wedding vows
- The advantages of having thoughtful relationship conversations before you get married
- The value couples receive from taking the opportunity to go deep and explore some areas like values, goals, and their vision for the relationship before they ever say “I do”
“Looking at some of these exercises [in The Marriage Vow Workbook], they’re important in ways other than just writing the vows. I would imagine this opens up some real areas of insight for couples.”
~ Karen Ross
If you have questions about writing the vows for your upcoming wedding, drop us a comment below or send us an email via our Contact Us page. We’re here to help you get your marriage started off right.
Make your wedding vows an expression of your true love
In I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook, we offer you a step-by-step approach for writing your own unique vows, vows that will express your love in your own words. In addition to the numerous exercises, we provide suggestions based on our own experience as a happily married couple.
If you’re in the process of writing your wedding vows here are a few tips for making these self-authored marriage promises to your beloved:
- Write vows in the positive (e.g., “I will treat you with respect,” instead of, “I will not be disrespectful toward you.”).
- Write vows in the way you speak. If you’re plainspoken, write your vows that way and leave flowery prose to others.
- Write vows that register a strong “yes” within you when you read them to yourself. Something inside you will let you know that this commitment is right for you.
- Write vows that speak to the best in you and your partner.
Writing your own vows can be one was to get your marriage off to a strong start. Even if you don’t think of yourselves as writers, trust us, by using The Marriage Vow Workbook (either the print or e-book version) or another thoughtful process, you can write vows that beautifully express your committed love. Even if you want to have elements of tradition in your wedding, writing your own wedding vows can bring you and your partner closer and deepen the love you now feel.
Congratulations and have fun writing your vows!
Wedding vows from George & Andrea
We want to make it easy for you to write your own wedding vows, so we invite couples to share their own personal vows here on our blog. You can read other sample vows from first and second marriages in the “Wedding Vows” category of the
I Do! I Do! blog.
Today we’re honored to share the vows of George Rogers & Andrea Williams who were married on April 19, 1985 (and they’re still very much in love). If you’re like us, you’re sure to enjoy these simple, heartfelt, romantic vows of love.
George to Andrea
- I wed thee, Andrea, not to have, but to be my friend; not to hold, but to share my life.
- I promise you my love and affection so long as there is in me the strength to draw a breath.
- I will make my love a resting place by caring and nurturing and supporting and listening.
- I will always seek to be honest and forthright with you, though it may sometimes frighten me to do so.
- I promise to conduct myself honorably and in ways that will never undermine my trustworthiness in your eyes.
- I will try always to be as good as that person whose courage first enabled him to reach out to you. . .who cast his bread upon the waters and whose reward is embodied in our wedding today.
- I will act to protect my health so that we may share a long and fruitful life
together. . .full of joy and love. . . - And if I should live forever and all my dreams come true. . .my memories of love will be of you.
Andrea to George
- With a mother’s love, I will nurture and care for you.
- With a daughter’s love, I will honor and respect you.
- With a sister’s love, I will laugh and play with you.
- With a friend’s love, I will support and encourage you.
- With a lover’s love, I will caress and cherish you.
- With a wife’s love, I will share my deepest self with you.
- And with the love of life itself, I will seek to enliven the pure Spirit that joins our souls and completes our happiness.
Second wedding vows from Elizabeth & Carroll
Below are the wedding vows from Elizabeth and her second husband, Carroll. These unique wedding vows show how different second marriages can be from first marriages for some couples.
Elizabeth Pavka & Carroll Thompson, December 28, 1991
In love, we two have become one that we may each nourish the independent expansiveness of the other;
We together seek that higher spirituality which is for all humans;
We acknowledge joy and laughter as the wings of life;
We caress the Earth as our beloved home in space;
We recognize the stars as relatives to the light in us;
We cherish our individuality and our separateness as the binding agents which drew us together as one, yet hold us apart as two;
We affirm all humans are one people, all life one life, all Spirit one Spirit;
We face the frontier of our personal spiritual development with joy;
We now unite our hearts, souls, bodies, energies, minds, senses, and emotions, that we each may more fruitfully serve the higher purposes we have accepted for ourselves;
God is Love. Love is Light. Light is God in us.
We came as two. We go as one. We are in Universal Union.
Commitment vows from Maggie & Tom
Below is part of the December 26, 2005 commitment ceremony of Tom and Maggie who are dancing to beautiful music of their love. They celebrated their union with loved ones in Annapolis, Maryland and created a ceremony that reflected their values and spiritual beliefs.
Tom: As you know, Maggie and I met almost 2 years ago on a cold, wintry night in January. Our first date was to the Boot Scootin’ Boogie where we danced to country music. Ever since, dancing has been a big part of our lives.
As we’ve gotten to know one another better, we’ve been filled with an ever increasing joy, wonder and gratitude for the reality of our spiritual connection. We’ve felt a deep knowing that we’ve been brought together by a power higher than ourselves. We feel that our relationship is a divine gift from God and we are so grateful to be blessed with this amazing and transforming miracle in our lives.
Maggie: The purpose of today’s ceremony is make a promise and a commitment to spend the rest of our lives together as loving and faithful partners. We like to say that we view our relationship as our spiritual practice.
We believe that those who pray together DO stay together. When challenging times occur, we have tried to seek divine guidance through prayer and meditation and with God’s help, we’ve found our way towards the light.
Tom: We want ours to be a holy relationship, one in which we don’t try to change each other but to see and accept one another just the way we are, knowing that our flaws and weaknesses will not be judged by the other but understood and forgiven. We will try to communicate rather than suppress our feelings and needs, knowing that rigorous honesty is the only way.
Maggie: We will strive to learn how to support the other in being the best we can be. Today we ask to be used by God to serve His purposes, knowing that his purpose is always that we might learn to love each other more purely. And now, may we pray together:
Tom: Dear God, May we feel the presence of the Holy Spirit blessing this ceremony and our intention. May we ask for your guidance and blessing that the vows that we repeat are true and spoken with sincerity and the highest purpose. We thank you for bringing us together and ask that you light our way now and always.
We ask for your divine grace to help us become a moving and loving life force, so that together Maggie and I can make a positive difference and a contribution to this world. Thank you for hearing our prayer.
Maggie: And now we will repeat our vows:
Tom, you have brought such joy and light to my life. I have prayed all my life for a good man to share my spiritual path, to make me laugh, to share my passion for the wonders of nature, to love adventures and being active outdoors, to dance and play with me and to love and accept me the way I am. And here you are, all that and so much more! You have become my partner, soul mate and best friend. I commit myself to stand by you whatever comes our way. I will honor and respect you, encourage and support you. I give you my unwavering trust and unconditional love.
Through all the changes of our lives, I promise to be there for you always as a strength in need, a comfort in sorrow, a counselor in difficulty and a companion in joy. I will nurture and care for you in weakness and in health. I vow to be faithful and true to you alone. May my love give you strength all the days of our lives.
Tom: Maggie, I have been thrilled — from the first time I ever met you — through every day ever since. I thank God for bringing you to me to be my partner, my friend, my soulmate, my lover…I thank God for having you to be my hiking and biking mate, my dance partner, my partner in exploring and adventure, my partner in treasuring nature’s wonders…but most of all, my partner in walking down this spiritual path together. And I’m so thankful that my daughters, Emily and Claire, have taken you to their hearts and love you so - and are so happy for me.
I commit myself to stand by you whatever comes our way. I will honor and respect you, encourage and support you, I give you my unwavering trust and unconditional love. Through all the changes of our lives, I promise to be there for you always as a strength in need, a comfort in sorrow, a counselor in difficulty and a companion in joy. I will nurture and care for you in weakness and in health. I vow to be faithful and true to you alone. May my love give you strength all the days of our lives.
Maggie: And now, Maddy and Jordan, will you bring us the rings please. We will wear these rings as an outward symbol of our love and devotion. They represent a circle that never ends, they are a symbol of wholeness and perfection, peace and love.
Tom, as I place this ring on your finger, I take you as my partner for life. I cherish you for your goodness, your passion, your generosity, your thoughtfulness not just with me, but with my friends, your willingness to learn, change and grow, your wisdom and your gentle and loving ways. I, Maggie promise you my beloved to give you my future in faith, my heart to you in hope and my life to you in love . . . today, tomorrow and forever.
Tom: Maggie, as I place this ring on your finger, I take you as my partner for life. I cherish you for your zest for life, for the beautiful smile on your beautiful face, which just reflects the beautiful smile in your soul and in your heart — which touches everyone who comes in contact with you — most especially me.
I, Tom, promise you my beloved to give you my future in faith, my heart to you in hope and my life to you in love. . . today, tomorrow and forever.
Tips for writing your own marriage vows
In our post, “the benefits of writing your own wedding vows,” we outlined five ways you strengthen your relationship by choosing to write your own vows instead of relying on traditional vows or some “fill in the blanks” formula. While we certainly hope that most of you reading our posts and listening to our podcasts, will buy The Marriage Vow Workbook to guide you through the process of writing your vows, we want to offer all of you some specific tips (no charge, of course).
If you’re not yet sure why you should write your own vows, read our post, “Why should I write my own wedding vows?”
- Create a supportive environment. Set aside time that will be uninterrupted and quiet so you can devote your full attention to writing your vows.
- Put an agreement in place to be fully present, to really hear one another, and to be supportive of one another while writing your vows.
- Open your mind and your heart. Your vows are already within you. Give yourself permission to simply pour out your thoughts and feelings onto paper. You can edit and rewrite later.
- Use language that feels natural to you and the way you communicate.
- Consider vows that speak the truth about who each of you really are, how you want to be with one another, and what you want to create during your life together.
- Create vows that call forth your personal best yet leave room for your humanity when you sometimes fall short.
- Notice the feelings that arise as you write your vows. If you feel joy, excitement, love, gratitude, and other positive emotions, you’re on the right track.
- Enjoy yourself and have fun. If your mind starts to wander or you find yourself resisting this endeavor, stop for a while. Take a break. Return to the creative process later.
- Be completely honest with yourself and your partner. Honesty is a vital component of all enduring relationships, and the process of writing your vows may prompt meaningful conversations with your partner or some deep reflection of your own.
- Remember that this process is more about drawing forth your intuitive and emotional wisdom than it is about crafting some grammatically perfect, smooth-sounding sentences. If the vows uplift your spirit, move you to say “yes, yes, yes,” and draw forth a broad smile, you have vows that matter to you and add strength to your life as a couple.
We would love to get your feedback about these tips. Did they support you to successfully write your vows? Did you hit a stumbling block with any of them? Do you have your own tips to add? This is an open conversation, so click the “comments” link to add your voice to the mix.
Podcast — How wedding vows can solve arguments with your spouse
Well, actually you and your spouse will have to solve your own arguments, yet your wedding vows can help make it easier. Listen in as I tell you how our wedding vows recently helped us clear the air.
This is our first I Do! I Do! podcast. Our goal is to provide no-nonsense resources YOU can use to create YOUR ideal relationship–yes, we do mean “ideal.” Not just ho hum habitation, so-so spouse-hood, or mediocre marriage. We want your relationship to ROCK! (You do too, right?) To that end we’ll be producing these audio programs that you can listen to on your computer, via iTunes, or as a downloadable MP3 file. When applicable we’ll have accompanying transcripts or notes in the blog post.
So this first episode was unplanned. Bruce and I had a disconnect–our term for a disagreement because even if it’s minor, we sense our disconnection from each other when it happens. I believed he had interrupted me and I responded to him in an annoyed and irritated way. In the podcast I talk about how we got reconnected and the role that my wedding vows played in making that possible.
So, simply turn on your speakers and click the “audio mp3″ graphic or “Play Now” text below to play the podcast file and listen in on what happened.
If you want to know more about how we solve disagreements, manage marital upsets, or fight fair when we do argue, let us know. Also, if you have specific marriage or relationship topics that you want to have us talk about, drop us a comment via the link below.
Thanks for listening!
